The Lives We Might Have Lived
How little choices we make along the way carve our path
In another life, I never left my corporate marketing job. I still live in New York. I wake up early to work out at Equinox, shower using their fancy Kiehl’s toiletries, and head into the office where I am the VP of marketing for a celebrity fragrance brand. I spend the day teetering between meetings and presentations. I eat at my desk unless I have a vendor lunch because #busyculture. I’m really good at PowerPoint. I leave work around 7 and head out to have drinks with my friends. (I never got to meet my best friends from the fashion startup, so I have these other best friends I met working my way up in the beauty industry.) I have precisely two glasses of wine and a salad and go home and crash. Repeat it all the next day. I wear sharply tailored blazers and own more than one pair of trousers. I wear 4-inch heels and lipstick most days.
There is another life, where I never left Boston. Rather than moving to New York to work in beauty marketing, I accepted a job offer at J.Jill. Now, 20 years later, I am still there, running its accessories division. I never let my driver’s license expire and have a nice car. I shop on Newbury Street and have a condo in Brookline. Weekends are spent watching whatever game is on and I’ve learned to love (or at least like) sports because they’re such a big part of Boston life. I never really got into art because there wasn’t a big art scene, and it wasn’t something my circle of friends cared about. I wear baseball caps. I like beer! My sister never moved to New York because she didn’t know anyone there. My parents never left Cape Cod for Charleston as they had me living so close to them in Boston.
Do you ever do this little exercise? There are so many what-ifs and other lives we’ll never live. I started thinking about this after reading The Midnight Library by Matt Haig several years ago. It is still one of my favorite books and one that would merit re-reading. (The main character winds up between life and death at a library where each book tells the story of each of her would-be lives had she made different decisions.)
There was the evangelical boyfriend I dated in Boston and when I first moved to New York. Our plan was that I’d work for Procter & Gamble in New York for two years, and then we’d both move to Cincinnati (his hometown, and also where P&G is based). Instead he broke up with me in the most dramatic way possible. I’m not exaggerating even a little bit when I tell you that he told me, “God is putting bad thoughts in my head about you.” You heard me correctly–he actually blamed God for our breakup! Personally, I am thankful to God here. I hope he did put those bad thoughts there, as that guy was not my person. I was 25 years old and devastated, but looking back, I cannot for the life of me picture us ending up happy together.
Another long-term relationship ended back in 2013. He never actually asked me to stop doing my blog, but I remember one drunken fight where he said his friends would probably like me more if I wasn’t plastering my photos all over the internet. There were a lot of comments like that. The blog was the brunt of a lot of jokes and a point of tension in our relationship—I know he felt embarrassed by it. I seriously considered giving it up, but he dumped me before that could happen. Another lucky (blessed?) near-miss!
If I had quit my blog then because of that guy, I would have passed up so many opportunities without even knowing they existed. And I probably never would have visited Charleston and fallen in love with it. (I visited for the first time 11 years ago on a press trip organized by my friend Chassity. Before that, I didn’t know anything about the South.)
On the flip side, I sometimes wonder about what I may have given up along the way. Could missed opportunities have transformed into something bigger? Should I have stuck with those piano lessons? Would I be good at painting if I had nurtured it when I was younger the way that my sister did? I guess we’ll never know.
It’s funny to think about this stuff. I’m actually comforted when I think about the breakups. Both were so painful at the time, but I know my life is much better for them. The takeaway of The Midnight Library is clear. Nora is exactly where she should be. And ultimately so are all of us. But there’s nothing wrong with a little dreaming.
What are your “alternate lives?” Tell me in the comments. And if you haven’t ever read The Midnight Library, add it to your TBR immediately. It’s still one of my favorite books, four years after first reading it.
Everything I read in January — it was a ten-book month.
Our quarterly wedding guest edit. If you have a big event or a wedding this winter, head on over and check it out.
Comedic Timing (by Upasna Barath) is the latest 831 Stories novella, and, as predicted, I read it in a single sitting last Friday night. Fresh off of a breakup with her girlfriend in Chicago, Naina has moved to New York City for a new job, where she knows no one. When she meets David, they have chemistry from the start, but she is confused by what this would mean for her sexual identity and aspirations. I loved this because it reminded me of what it was like to be young and new to New York.
I Who Have Never Known Men (by Jacqueline Harpman) is a dystopian novel from the nineties that has gotten big again thanks to TikTok. After reading this piece in The Cut, I had to read it for myself. It’s short, just 160 pages. A young girl is held captive in a bunker underground with 39 other women. None of them have any idea how they got there. When they miraculously escape, it’s just plains of grass, and they realize they are actually, in a way, still in captivity. I couldn’t stop thinking about it after finishing.
I am currently reading (just about done!) The Rules of Fortune, by Danielle Prescod. This is a fun read about an ultra-wealthy Black family. Just before his 70th birthday party, the billionaire patriarch drops dead. As the media questions the future of his conglomerate, his daughter Kennedy looks into her father’s past. A twisted history emerges, and Kennedy is torn between her legacy and exposing the truth about how her family’s company was built.
I am still listening to The Friday Afternoon Club by Griffin Dunn on Audible. It is such a fun listen. Truthfully, this week was a little chaotic, and I didn’t have much time to listen to it, but I love all the stories! Such a rich family history with casual drop-ins from Harrison Ford and other celebrities.
Loved this post so much! You are one of the first bloggers I started following in my early 20s. I always admired your dedication and high quality content. Your book recommendations are always my go-to when I’m on a reading slump.
To think you might have stopped because of a guy blows my mind! I am now here in my mid-30s, a mom and SO happy I found your Substack! It’s my favorite to read. Thank you for your content. It gives me so much life. 🥰
Wow I love this. For me it would be: I am still living in my small town in Indiana and have the circle of friends and working the same miserable job even though it paid a lot of money. I would have never met my current partner and daughter would not be in existence. I did receive an opportunity to move to Jersey to start a new career path but my boyfriend at the time thought it was dumb to move for a job.