Loved this post so much! You are one of the first bloggers I started following in my early 20s. I always admired your dedication and high quality content. Your book recommendations are always my go-to when I’m on a reading slump.
To think you might have stopped because of a guy blows my mind! I am now here in my mid-30s, a mom and SO happy I found your Substack! It’s my favorite to read. Thank you for your content. It gives me so much life. 🥰
Wow I love this. For me it would be: I am still living in my small town in Indiana and have the circle of friends and working the same miserable job even though it paid a lot of money. I would have never met my current partner and daughter would not be in existence. I did receive an opportunity to move to Jersey to start a new career path but my boyfriend at the time thought it was dumb to move for a job.
Wow, Grace, I loved this. I have so many thoughts!
The Matt Haig book has been on my TBR shelf for as long as it's been out. I have only ever heard wonderful things about it but always shied away from it because a lot of Haig's writing, which centres around mental health struggles, often triggers me. I know this book isn't about that, though, and I'm now excited to pick it up next (after I finish I Who Have Never Known Men, which I'm also currently reading)!
I love the lesson of the book about us being exactly where we're supposed to be. The thing that has surprised me the most about my recent breakup is that not once did I think 'If I'd known this was doomed, I would have ended it earlier instead of letting it go on a decade'. I trust that it all unfolded in the perfect timing and I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
I loved reading the stories of your alternate lives. The 'God' boyfriend made me giggle (although I'm sure it was awful), the one who drunkenly said his friends would like you more if you weren't blogging felt very close to home. Lots of boyfriends like that in my twenties.
The way you always talk about Charleston always makes me want to rent an airbnb there for a week and explore the city!
I am hearing that from a lot of people — I don’t think this one will be triggering. The one thing that might be triggering is that at the beginning of the story, the main character has decided to end her life (that is what brings her to the library). But the book is ultimately so positive and helpful that I highly recommend it!
Funny you had a similar experience. The men didn’t like the blogs! Haha. And yes you must visit Charleston! It is such a gem. So many good air bnbs too!
I have never actually done that exercise before- thinking of the alternate lives I could have had. Wow, I could have married my college sweetheart and lived a very southern, traditional life in south Georgia. I doubt I would have written my book. I wouldn't have moved to Charleston and wouldn't have the amazing friends I've had for the last 20 years here. Thanks for helping me appreciate the wonderful life I have. Loved that!
This post 🙌🙌🙌 I’m inspired to do a similar one too. So fun. In another life I am quite possibly living in Chicago with an ex bf. Love Chicago, but man am I glad that wasn’t my path.
- did you let your license expire in real life? if so, how do you get around Charleston? (I also let mine expire, but I live in Europe so never need to drive)
- am I remembering wrong, or do some of your family members also live in Charleston? I thought you'd moved there to be closer to them but I guess I was wrong?
- is the Matt Haig book written in the same style as his other books (Notes on a Nervous Planet, Reasons to Stay Alive)? Those made me super anxious so I didn't even bother with Midnight Library but now I'm intrigued.
- do you ever wish you'd pursued those other lives instead?
You probably won't have time to answer these but thought I'd put them out there :)
I'm trying to get better about mourning my alternate lives instead of making sure I live them all. I have a hard time coping with regret so if I see a glimmer of a possibility I chase it at every angle. I once had a Tarot card reader tell me my energy was so chaotic and once I picked a path I'd have a great life. I think about that a lot.
Love this, Grace! It reminds me of a concept I've seen a few articles/Tik Toks touch on and that is the idea around there are no "wrong" choices -- everything we do and choose in our life simply leads us to the next choice. As someone who ruminates over everything from the mundane (what do I have for dinner?!) to the big (should I have kids!?) this mindset has helped me when I feel paralyzed by choices and paths to take in life. If a choice I selected ends up not working out there is (usually) always the option to course correct by making another choice. Everything is an opportunity to learn, to grow. All of this to say we are all EXACTLY where we need to be and if not, we ask ourselves "what is my next choice" <3
As an ex-vangelical I’m not at all surprised by that boyfriend. I think there might be a life where I became a teacher in my hometown and might be a little bit happier and have had a less complicated life, would I struggle less with mental health? How would I have ever handled the changes and threats of teaching today? But I never would have gotten to spend so much time in NY for various jobs, I wouldn’t have the same wealth of experiences, maybe I wouldn’t be as traveled. Is there a path where I was exposed to Art history at a younger age and knew it was something you could study and have a career in? Who knows.
Love this post! I’m getting married in a few months and I think about this a lot. I almost moved to Charleston for grad school after only living in the Midwest my entire life. But Kentucky gave me more money than College of Charleston did, and the cost of living was better in Lexington for a grad student. So I moved to Kentucky knowing no one, with a random roommate. That roommate is now one of my bridesmaids. I was in a toxic off and on situationship with a guy and joined a dating app so that he would see me on there and want me back. Matched with another guy and hesitantly began messaging him. 9 years, 2 interstate moves, and 6 years of long distance later, we now get married in 4 months.
In another life, maybe I still lived in Lexington, or Cincinnati (a city we liked as a compromise between Lex and Chicago), or St. Louis (where I moved for a job after grad school). But I missed Chicago. Jobs there in my industry are hard to get without connections. On a whim, I saw an old job posting on some random website that was my dream job in Chicago and cold emailed the principal at the company. A few months later, she let me know she was hiring. I squeezed in an interview between an international work trip and a bachelorette party. I got the job and I’m still there 5 years later.
I think about this a lot. Lately I’ve been reassessing my job and where I live, which leads me down a rabbit hole of all the choices (jobs I’ve accepted and turned down, moves to new places, relationships, financial decisions) I’ve made in the last 20 years, wondering if they were right.
Midnight Library was an excellent book; when I read it a few years ago I thought it was brought into my life at the right time. I think it deserves a re-read about now (appreciate the reminder).
In Massachusetts, I got separated . I had two kids with me. I left one night during a terrible fight and stayed with my best friend in Amherst . I was upset. It was a bad marriage. I went out to a bar/club alone. It was quiet. A guy across the bar came over to me. I was 35. He was 24 and in college. The long story is we fell in love very much like The Idea of You book. I stayed with him at the Coast in a rental. We planned marriage, one more kid, getting custody of mine. My family was furious . They said he’d leave me. He never did. I went back to my kids heartbroken . He was the love of my life and a good guy. My best friend decided to comfort him. I would have worked and lived in student housing for two more years until graduation. I would have lost custody. I would have gotten married and had more kids and ended up in a big Victorian house on the Coast near Boston . We would have a Super Bowl Party Sunday. I know because my best friend decided he was just too great to pass up. I was devastated. Girl code didn’t exist . I went back single to my parents to NJ and started over with nothing. I never met my present husband for 20 years. I became a nurse and met him in Florida where my parents lived . Now I go to the nursing home most days because my wonderful husband now got early onset Altzheimers. He doesn’t know me. My friend has a great life. She had 2 more kids and a Victorian House on the Coast near Boston . They are happy. He’s a great husband . That was to be my life now. But , I still loved the one I chose in the end. we were very happy.
Wow...what a store Lynn. I know someone who made the opposite choice, stayed with the boyfriend (only diff. from yours is he is much older than her) and has seen or spoken with her children (now adults ) in over 20 yrs. I think she is happy (still with the boyfriend) but I also know in my soul how much she misses her children. Its such a painful topic we do not discuss often but she did say if she had it to do over she still would have left her husband but in a much diff. way than she did.
Truth be told , I never forgot him. I just could not lose my children. When I left, we both wept. I kept my kids . I lost the farm house. My beautiful son died a few years ago from Alcoholism. Stress drinking . I was with him when they pulled life support as well as my loving and supportive husband. My brave beautiful daughter has 4 th stage Breast Cancer and I live alone . I spoke to the old boyfriend years ago to thank him for all he did. I got to have closure . I did not speak to my friend again. When I think of it, I don’t know if it would have been forever. I missed my children and had to go back and I lost everything I owned and cherished in the end. There’s just me keeping the family safe now and struggling . If I would have done it, at the time there was no support system for me and just no other way to have stayed. I think of them at times with their 4 kids and now grandkids and all that I wanted
and I tear up. My first husband is diseased . His wife is a close friend of mine in CA. She’s much younger than he was . 23 years. She lived with us the next summer as an exchange student from Sweden . We made peace but I think of it on days when my life right now is so hard to bear. Thank you for caring and writing me back . ❤️
Oh Lynn I am so sorry to read about your children and cannot even image the grief you have experienced. Sending you a huge hug. I hope you have a supportive group of friends to hold you close.
I do for years but they all live far away. I’m still In Florida not my beloved NE. I have a friend coming from Alaska next week to help me with a Lawyer to see if I can stay in my house and keep my daughter and my husband in hospice too. I’m doing my very best. I do have worry and embarrassing anxiety sometimes . Thank you. ❤️
Loved this post so much! You are one of the first bloggers I started following in my early 20s. I always admired your dedication and high quality content. Your book recommendations are always my go-to when I’m on a reading slump.
To think you might have stopped because of a guy blows my mind! I am now here in my mid-30s, a mom and SO happy I found your Substack! It’s my favorite to read. Thank you for your content. It gives me so much life. 🥰
I’m so happy to hear that!!!! Thank you for being here (it blows my mind too, but this was early days!)
Wow I love this. For me it would be: I am still living in my small town in Indiana and have the circle of friends and working the same miserable job even though it paid a lot of money. I would have never met my current partner and daughter would not be in existence. I did receive an opportunity to move to Jersey to start a new career path but my boyfriend at the time thought it was dumb to move for a job.
Wow I love yours!!!! Thanks for sharing.
Grace you should watch Dark Matter! It explores this exact idea! I really enjoyed it - I always wonder about my other lives ;)
Thank you for the rec!!!!
Wow, Grace, I loved this. I have so many thoughts!
The Matt Haig book has been on my TBR shelf for as long as it's been out. I have only ever heard wonderful things about it but always shied away from it because a lot of Haig's writing, which centres around mental health struggles, often triggers me. I know this book isn't about that, though, and I'm now excited to pick it up next (after I finish I Who Have Never Known Men, which I'm also currently reading)!
I love the lesson of the book about us being exactly where we're supposed to be. The thing that has surprised me the most about my recent breakup is that not once did I think 'If I'd known this was doomed, I would have ended it earlier instead of letting it go on a decade'. I trust that it all unfolded in the perfect timing and I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
I loved reading the stories of your alternate lives. The 'God' boyfriend made me giggle (although I'm sure it was awful), the one who drunkenly said his friends would like you more if you weren't blogging felt very close to home. Lots of boyfriends like that in my twenties.
The way you always talk about Charleston always makes me want to rent an airbnb there for a week and explore the city!
Thanks for sharing this essay!
I am hearing that from a lot of people — I don’t think this one will be triggering. The one thing that might be triggering is that at the beginning of the story, the main character has decided to end her life (that is what brings her to the library). But the book is ultimately so positive and helpful that I highly recommend it!
Funny you had a similar experience. The men didn’t like the blogs! Haha. And yes you must visit Charleston! It is such a gem. So many good air bnbs too!
The same guys who think blogging is cringe probably get all their social interaction playing Call of Duty with their online friends.
I have never actually done that exercise before- thinking of the alternate lives I could have had. Wow, I could have married my college sweetheart and lived a very southern, traditional life in south Georgia. I doubt I would have written my book. I wouldn't have moved to Charleston and wouldn't have the amazing friends I've had for the last 20 years here. Thanks for helping me appreciate the wonderful life I have. Loved that!
This was so beautiful. I'm also comforted that our Boston alt-live selves still could have met somehow and be hanging out over beers at Fenway.
This post 🙌🙌🙌 I’m inspired to do a similar one too. So fun. In another life I am quite possibly living in Chicago with an ex bf. Love Chicago, but man am I glad that wasn’t my path.
ooh I would love to read yours!!! And that is how I feel about Boston (and all the exes, ha!)
Wow. I loved this so much.
AND I have a lot of questions!
- did you let your license expire in real life? if so, how do you get around Charleston? (I also let mine expire, but I live in Europe so never need to drive)
- am I remembering wrong, or do some of your family members also live in Charleston? I thought you'd moved there to be closer to them but I guess I was wrong?
- is the Matt Haig book written in the same style as his other books (Notes on a Nervous Planet, Reasons to Stay Alive)? Those made me super anxious so I didn't even bother with Midnight Library but now I'm intrigued.
- do you ever wish you'd pursued those other lives instead?
You probably won't have time to answer these but thought I'd put them out there :)
haha
Yes I did — completely by accident.
Yes they do. My parents moved first but it was my suggestion—I “found it” and got them to love it too.
I don’t know; I haven’t read his other books.
No, not really!
I loved this! As Ina says, “you never know your good breaks from your bad ones!” Also the Evangelical boyfriend I am 💀
I'm trying to get better about mourning my alternate lives instead of making sure I live them all. I have a hard time coping with regret so if I see a glimmer of a possibility I chase it at every angle. I once had a Tarot card reader tell me my energy was so chaotic and once I picked a path I'd have a great life. I think about that a lot.
Love this, Grace! It reminds me of a concept I've seen a few articles/Tik Toks touch on and that is the idea around there are no "wrong" choices -- everything we do and choose in our life simply leads us to the next choice. As someone who ruminates over everything from the mundane (what do I have for dinner?!) to the big (should I have kids!?) this mindset has helped me when I feel paralyzed by choices and paths to take in life. If a choice I selected ends up not working out there is (usually) always the option to course correct by making another choice. Everything is an opportunity to learn, to grow. All of this to say we are all EXACTLY where we need to be and if not, we ask ourselves "what is my next choice" <3
I want just one more life. one where I have the clarity of my own purpose, my own happiness, my own desires - to not allow a man to adjust my sails.
As an ex-vangelical I’m not at all surprised by that boyfriend. I think there might be a life where I became a teacher in my hometown and might be a little bit happier and have had a less complicated life, would I struggle less with mental health? How would I have ever handled the changes and threats of teaching today? But I never would have gotten to spend so much time in NY for various jobs, I wouldn’t have the same wealth of experiences, maybe I wouldn’t be as traveled. Is there a path where I was exposed to Art history at a younger age and knew it was something you could study and have a career in? Who knows.
Love this post! I’m getting married in a few months and I think about this a lot. I almost moved to Charleston for grad school after only living in the Midwest my entire life. But Kentucky gave me more money than College of Charleston did, and the cost of living was better in Lexington for a grad student. So I moved to Kentucky knowing no one, with a random roommate. That roommate is now one of my bridesmaids. I was in a toxic off and on situationship with a guy and joined a dating app so that he would see me on there and want me back. Matched with another guy and hesitantly began messaging him. 9 years, 2 interstate moves, and 6 years of long distance later, we now get married in 4 months.
In another life, maybe I still lived in Lexington, or Cincinnati (a city we liked as a compromise between Lex and Chicago), or St. Louis (where I moved for a job after grad school). But I missed Chicago. Jobs there in my industry are hard to get without connections. On a whim, I saw an old job posting on some random website that was my dream job in Chicago and cold emailed the principal at the company. A few months later, she let me know she was hiring. I squeezed in an interview between an international work trip and a bachelorette party. I got the job and I’m still there 5 years later.
Thanks for writing this!
I think about this a lot. Lately I’ve been reassessing my job and where I live, which leads me down a rabbit hole of all the choices (jobs I’ve accepted and turned down, moves to new places, relationships, financial decisions) I’ve made in the last 20 years, wondering if they were right.
Midnight Library was an excellent book; when I read it a few years ago I thought it was brought into my life at the right time. I think it deserves a re-read about now (appreciate the reminder).
In Massachusetts, I got separated . I had two kids with me. I left one night during a terrible fight and stayed with my best friend in Amherst . I was upset. It was a bad marriage. I went out to a bar/club alone. It was quiet. A guy across the bar came over to me. I was 35. He was 24 and in college. The long story is we fell in love very much like The Idea of You book. I stayed with him at the Coast in a rental. We planned marriage, one more kid, getting custody of mine. My family was furious . They said he’d leave me. He never did. I went back to my kids heartbroken . He was the love of my life and a good guy. My best friend decided to comfort him. I would have worked and lived in student housing for two more years until graduation. I would have lost custody. I would have gotten married and had more kids and ended up in a big Victorian house on the Coast near Boston . We would have a Super Bowl Party Sunday. I know because my best friend decided he was just too great to pass up. I was devastated. Girl code didn’t exist . I went back single to my parents to NJ and started over with nothing. I never met my present husband for 20 years. I became a nurse and met him in Florida where my parents lived . Now I go to the nursing home most days because my wonderful husband now got early onset Altzheimers. He doesn’t know me. My friend has a great life. She had 2 more kids and a Victorian House on the Coast near Boston . They are happy. He’s a great husband . That was to be my life now. But , I still loved the one I chose in the end. we were very happy.
Wow...what a store Lynn. I know someone who made the opposite choice, stayed with the boyfriend (only diff. from yours is he is much older than her) and has seen or spoken with her children (now adults ) in over 20 yrs. I think she is happy (still with the boyfriend) but I also know in my soul how much she misses her children. Its such a painful topic we do not discuss often but she did say if she had it to do over she still would have left her husband but in a much diff. way than she did.
Truth be told , I never forgot him. I just could not lose my children. When I left, we both wept. I kept my kids . I lost the farm house. My beautiful son died a few years ago from Alcoholism. Stress drinking . I was with him when they pulled life support as well as my loving and supportive husband. My brave beautiful daughter has 4 th stage Breast Cancer and I live alone . I spoke to the old boyfriend years ago to thank him for all he did. I got to have closure . I did not speak to my friend again. When I think of it, I don’t know if it would have been forever. I missed my children and had to go back and I lost everything I owned and cherished in the end. There’s just me keeping the family safe now and struggling . If I would have done it, at the time there was no support system for me and just no other way to have stayed. I think of them at times with their 4 kids and now grandkids and all that I wanted
and I tear up. My first husband is diseased . His wife is a close friend of mine in CA. She’s much younger than he was . 23 years. She lived with us the next summer as an exchange student from Sweden . We made peace but I think of it on days when my life right now is so hard to bear. Thank you for caring and writing me back . ❤️
Oh Lynn I am so sorry to read about your children and cannot even image the grief you have experienced. Sending you a huge hug. I hope you have a supportive group of friends to hold you close.
I do for years but they all live far away. I’m still In Florida not my beloved NE. I have a friend coming from Alaska next week to help me with a Lawyer to see if I can stay in my house and keep my daughter and my husband in hospice too. I’m doing my very best. I do have worry and embarrassing anxiety sometimes . Thank you. ❤️
Such a really nice group on Grace’s Substack . Truth really does feel powerful and good !!!