I always thought you just liked to read a lot and shared what you read, I didn’t realise you view it as part of the job. Interesting, I wonder if you took that pressure off yourself or didn’t feel you had to report back would you read as much or would it bring you more joy? Also I wonder if this is a 40s thing. I also find it hard to find hobbies that spark joy…
I just don't feel like I could do that--books are such a big part of my brand, it's always "the thing" my readers say they enjoy so much! It's okay though, I still love it! And am seeking out other things that I won't share so much on.
I also would like to find things that make me laugh more, but I don’t usually find the “conventionally funny” things very funny. Many comedy movies I could sit and watch completely expressionless! Comedians are a good alternative- thanks for reminding me!
omg couldn’t agree more. Sitcom humor is just not for me, and I feel like such a freak because I just don’t laugh at it. But Ali Wong has had me howling with laughter.
A lot of this resonated with me! One thing that has brought a lot of joy to my adult life is improv. The shows at Theatre99 are super fun and a great way to have some laughs. I also started taking classes there almost 2-years ago and I’ve found that it’s the only thing I do where I truly do not think about anything else for 2 hours (my mind still wanders back to my to-do list during yoga, needlepoint, etc.). You have no choice but to disconnect and be incredibly present. There is also a sense of “play” to improv that is so rare to find in adult-activities - it’s part of what makes it so joyful for me. I promise promise you don’t have to be an extrovert to enjoy it (I am an extroverted introvert) - it is way more life/engery-giving than the average social commitment.
That’s a really honest assessment Grace. I’m always thinking you snd other people look happy and are getting joy out of their lives . My really long term friends just text and they don’t live near me. States away. I don’t travel any longer because my husband is in memory care. My daughter has cancer the really bad metastasis kind snd it’s spreading . No family. I don’t write this to have anyone feel sorry for me but the simplest things like this minute having coffee in my favorite antique cup or pretending my house is a B and B we used to go to all the time us gone . I’m looking for my joy. I’m a very friendly and outgoing person and I’m older so going out dancing and having a few drinks is not an option. I’m looking for joy to share either friends. Doesn’t matter if they are guys or girls at all . I’ve always had both. It’s hot and sour here too but not a community. FL and it’s harder to make friends like before older but young at heart. I just appreciated the article so much.
I also hate being bad at stuff so it's hard to try new things! My husband signed us up for dance lessons before our wedding a few years ago, and it was actually fun to learn something with another person and just have fun without the pressure of being good at it. I definitely want to seek out more experiences like that.
I highly recommend volunteering. I moved from NYC to a small coastal town in MA two years ago, on the other side of the state from friends and family, and was looking for a hobby that would get me out of the house since I WFH and was feeling isolated. I started volunteering at a cat shelter once a week and it was awesome to get out of the house and help cats, and it also resulted in me making friends with a crew of mostly retired ladies. Then, we started our own foster-based cat rescue (https://www.instagram.com/coastalcatrescuema/) and have rescued/adopted out almost 100 cats in just one year! It has been a major labor of love and learning experience, and a turn of events I wasn't expecting, but it has been so rewarding! It has also been so awesome to make friends with people who I would never have interacted with if I didn't seek this out!
OK so I have now fallen down a film photography rabbit hole thanks to this post!!!!! When I was in college, I really wanted to stay at school (in DC) for the summer and my parents bribed me to come home to NJ by saying I could take a class in the city if I wanted, so I took a film photography class at NYU that included developing our photos in a darkroom, which was so fun. I was pleased in this rabbit hole to find out that darkrooms still exist (and looked up for you, there's one in CHS too if you choose to fall down that rabbit hole).
A separate comment that I am 100% a peaks-and-valleys person. When I'm in the real depths of the depths, I wish I could be more even-keeled, but thank god the peaks are real fucking high to even things out :)
I am a HUGE fan of the solo vacay. I started three years ago and take a 4-day weekend every January. I always select a location with a good spa and take several good books. I scour the reviews to make sure I'm choosing a hotel with a good bed! It is just the right reset for me after the holidays. My spouse doesn't understand the need, but he definitely appreciates the rested, relaxed and happy creature he gets back.
OMG I feel this so much. I am in the same boat! I started painting again and I’m not good but it sparks joy just to play around on a canvas and not care what happens! Sunsets are good for this lol. I am also relearning Spanish to become fluent as we are moving to Spain so that’s been really good because it uses my brain in a new way, requires full concentration and is incredibly satisfying when I do well ha! Thank you for this post, it is what I needed today. Wishing you lots of future joy and a happy weekend! ❤️
This is exactly what I needed today! I’ve recently started a few of these things - using good china, burning the good candles, etc. and it does help! I’m going to try the comedy specials - hadn’t thought about that but it sounds fun. I also need another hobby besides reading. Luckily for me not part of my job but something else to try would be so fun! Thanks for this ❤️
I’m trying to be better about “using my fancy things now.” I wrote a whole post years ago about using the “good towels” in everyday life - but it’s such a challenge for me to actually *do.* Before my grandma passed away, she gave me this shoe box full of taper candles. Each one was meticulously wrapped in Saran Wrap - none of them ever burned. I’ve been making a point to burn them for gatherings, even though my first instinct is to save them in the shoe box.
Really good post, Grace! Staying present does help with finding JOY. I am learning to play mahjong, also. I play with seasoned players so I experience angst when playing. Hoping time and more experience will take the stress away. Please continue your work. It is a home run for me!
I’ve had this itch recently too, like I need something to do at night occupy my hands but also learn something new.
I feel this more during then New England winters and started a little mini craft night once a month with friends (tbh we didn’t get many in but I want to kick it off again this fall) and we didn’t paint by numbers and knitted.
But regarding the painting- I am terrible too and a control freak and I bought myself a set of watercolors and just started doodling. I find it relaxing (I don’t know if I’d say it sparked joy!) and then deceived to take a one- day adult ed class in Cambridge for watercolors and it was fun!
It’s so hard as adults to give ourselves permission to suck at something and not care! Why is that?? lol
Loved this post, it really hit home and it’s nice to see so many other readers feel the same. ❤️
I needed to read this today! I find that a hobby isn't something that I prioritize (even though I would love one. I am always feeling embarrassed when people say "what do you like to do" because I work, I mom, I date my husband, I sometimes work out?) What really helped me was you encouraging "things you are bad at" because I feel like I don't have time to be good at anything, hah!
I feel this! Something that brings me joy is a girls weekend with a couple dear friends. It’s hard to find time with work, families and busy lives but so worth it. . With one set of friends we do an annual long weekend where we spend most of the time in our pj’s,cooking in, talking and laughing. The other trip only happens every few years with three different friends all scattered across the country, and we spend a few days exploring a city, trying restaurants and catching up. Just thinking about these trips make me smile. More times with our special people is deep joy.
I related to so much of this. I'm also a person who's never been especially exuberant or excitable, and while things are never terrible, I rarely feel super excited or joyful. I'm in my early 40s and started to think, maybe this is just midlife - a constant feeling of ennui? I explored this with my therapist and she similarly suggested finding a few times a week for something that brings a sense of joy to life. She says eventually you start to notice that all those tiny moments of pleasure add up to an overall more positive and joyful life. I'm loving all the suggestions below on books to read and hobbies to explore to create more of this! Life is too short to float around feeling indifferent all the time.
I so appreciate you sharing your honest thoughts on so much...from beauty finds or dislikes to feeling anxious. This is why I subscribed and always trust you. I took a Mahjongg class last fall and thought I would never "get it". Then the instructor offered smaller classes so stated those in Feb. It takes awhile and I am still learning but find just playing is most helpful IF I am playing with others who are new to the game...fun and kind. I have not read much fiction lately...given the world...for some it's an escape and for me it doesn't work. So...have been trying to find good travel books if you have or your readers have any recs. I took my first trip alone (on a tour to France) 8 years ago and it was scary initially but also made me feel so good to know I can do things to make myself happy. Granted it was a tour but I did not know a soul. People were nice but I do see that many are there with best friends/daughters/husbands/sisters so welcome you but also its a special trip for them so want that special time with the person they came with. If anyone has any recs for trips with lone travelers for "older" women...again please share.
I'm not sure what you have in mind when you say "older" BUT thought I'd put Atlas Adventures on your radar. Full disclosure, I have never gone on one of their trips, but I have been eyeing them and hoping to find one that works for my schedule in the future. I learned about them from Jess Keys (@notesfromJess on Substack -- apparently I can't tag her?) -- she has spoken really highly of them regularly on her blog!
I always thought you just liked to read a lot and shared what you read, I didn’t realise you view it as part of the job. Interesting, I wonder if you took that pressure off yourself or didn’t feel you had to report back would you read as much or would it bring you more joy? Also I wonder if this is a 40s thing. I also find it hard to find hobbies that spark joy…
It's both and!
I just don't feel like I could do that--books are such a big part of my brand, it's always "the thing" my readers say they enjoy so much! It's okay though, I still love it! And am seeking out other things that I won't share so much on.
Def a 40s things re: finding hobbies!
I also would like to find things that make me laugh more, but I don’t usually find the “conventionally funny” things very funny. Many comedy movies I could sit and watch completely expressionless! Comedians are a good alternative- thanks for reminding me!
omg couldn’t agree more. Sitcom humor is just not for me, and I feel like such a freak because I just don’t laugh at it. But Ali Wong has had me howling with laughter.
A lot of this resonated with me! One thing that has brought a lot of joy to my adult life is improv. The shows at Theatre99 are super fun and a great way to have some laughs. I also started taking classes there almost 2-years ago and I’ve found that it’s the only thing I do where I truly do not think about anything else for 2 hours (my mind still wanders back to my to-do list during yoga, needlepoint, etc.). You have no choice but to disconnect and be incredibly present. There is also a sense of “play” to improv that is so rare to find in adult-activities - it’s part of what makes it so joyful for me. I promise promise you don’t have to be an extrovert to enjoy it (I am an extroverted introvert) - it is way more life/engery-giving than the average social commitment.
I love that!!! In the book I'm reading (Me, But Better), the author has an improv adventure!
That’s a really honest assessment Grace. I’m always thinking you snd other people look happy and are getting joy out of their lives . My really long term friends just text and they don’t live near me. States away. I don’t travel any longer because my husband is in memory care. My daughter has cancer the really bad metastasis kind snd it’s spreading . No family. I don’t write this to have anyone feel sorry for me but the simplest things like this minute having coffee in my favorite antique cup or pretending my house is a B and B we used to go to all the time us gone . I’m looking for my joy. I’m a very friendly and outgoing person and I’m older so going out dancing and having a few drinks is not an option. I’m looking for joy to share either friends. Doesn’t matter if they are guys or girls at all . I’ve always had both. It’s hot and sour here too but not a community. FL and it’s harder to make friends like before older but young at heart. I just appreciated the article so much.
xo
Lynn
Sorry for all of the typos . I can’t seem to correct them.
I also hate being bad at stuff so it's hard to try new things! My husband signed us up for dance lessons before our wedding a few years ago, and it was actually fun to learn something with another person and just have fun without the pressure of being good at it. I definitely want to seek out more experiences like that.
I highly recommend volunteering. I moved from NYC to a small coastal town in MA two years ago, on the other side of the state from friends and family, and was looking for a hobby that would get me out of the house since I WFH and was feeling isolated. I started volunteering at a cat shelter once a week and it was awesome to get out of the house and help cats, and it also resulted in me making friends with a crew of mostly retired ladies. Then, we started our own foster-based cat rescue (https://www.instagram.com/coastalcatrescuema/) and have rescued/adopted out almost 100 cats in just one year! It has been a major labor of love and learning experience, and a turn of events I wasn't expecting, but it has been so rewarding! It has also been so awesome to make friends with people who I would never have interacted with if I didn't seek this out!
Dance lessons would be my nightmare, which is probably a sign I should try it!
It was also my nightmare but they were private and I was doing them with someone I felt comfortable with which made a huge difference!
OK so I have now fallen down a film photography rabbit hole thanks to this post!!!!! When I was in college, I really wanted to stay at school (in DC) for the summer and my parents bribed me to come home to NJ by saying I could take a class in the city if I wanted, so I took a film photography class at NYU that included developing our photos in a darkroom, which was so fun. I was pleased in this rabbit hole to find out that darkrooms still exist (and looked up for you, there's one in CHS too if you choose to fall down that rabbit hole).
A separate comment that I am 100% a peaks-and-valleys person. When I'm in the real depths of the depths, I wish I could be more even-keeled, but thank god the peaks are real fucking high to even things out :)
That is so cool. I am definitely going to look into that!!!
I am a HUGE fan of the solo vacay. I started three years ago and take a 4-day weekend every January. I always select a location with a good spa and take several good books. I scour the reviews to make sure I'm choosing a hotel with a good bed! It is just the right reset for me after the holidays. My spouse doesn't understand the need, but he definitely appreciates the rested, relaxed and happy creature he gets back.
Me too. I haven’t really done that since getting together with my boyfriend, but it’s so important and good for the soul!
OMG I feel this so much. I am in the same boat! I started painting again and I’m not good but it sparks joy just to play around on a canvas and not care what happens! Sunsets are good for this lol. I am also relearning Spanish to become fluent as we are moving to Spain so that’s been really good because it uses my brain in a new way, requires full concentration and is incredibly satisfying when I do well ha! Thank you for this post, it is what I needed today. Wishing you lots of future joy and a happy weekend! ❤️
Moving to Spain -- incredible!!!!! Happy weekend! xx
This is exactly what I needed today! I’ve recently started a few of these things - using good china, burning the good candles, etc. and it does help! I’m going to try the comedy specials - hadn’t thought about that but it sounds fun. I also need another hobby besides reading. Luckily for me not part of my job but something else to try would be so fun! Thanks for this ❤️
You're welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed it!!!!
I’m trying to be better about “using my fancy things now.” I wrote a whole post years ago about using the “good towels” in everyday life - but it’s such a challenge for me to actually *do.* Before my grandma passed away, she gave me this shoe box full of taper candles. Each one was meticulously wrapped in Saran Wrap - none of them ever burned. I’ve been making a point to burn them for gatherings, even though my first instinct is to save them in the shoe box.
I love that!!!!! I am sure she’d want you to use them. <3
Really good post, Grace! Staying present does help with finding JOY. I am learning to play mahjong, also. I play with seasoned players so I experience angst when playing. Hoping time and more experience will take the stress away. Please continue your work. It is a home run for me!
Thank you, so kind of you to say!!!!!
I’ve had this itch recently too, like I need something to do at night occupy my hands but also learn something new.
I feel this more during then New England winters and started a little mini craft night once a month with friends (tbh we didn’t get many in but I want to kick it off again this fall) and we didn’t paint by numbers and knitted.
But regarding the painting- I am terrible too and a control freak and I bought myself a set of watercolors and just started doodling. I find it relaxing (I don’t know if I’d say it sparked joy!) and then deceived to take a one- day adult ed class in Cambridge for watercolors and it was fun!
It’s so hard as adults to give ourselves permission to suck at something and not care! Why is that?? lol
Loved this post, it really hit home and it’s nice to see so many other readers feel the same. ❤️
I don't know why it's so hard, but I really do want to do more things I "suck at!!!"
I needed to read this today! I find that a hobby isn't something that I prioritize (even though I would love one. I am always feeling embarrassed when people say "what do you like to do" because I work, I mom, I date my husband, I sometimes work out?) What really helped me was you encouraging "things you are bad at" because I feel like I don't have time to be good at anything, hah!
Haha yes — it definitely takes the pressure off!
I feel this! Something that brings me joy is a girls weekend with a couple dear friends. It’s hard to find time with work, families and busy lives but so worth it. . With one set of friends we do an annual long weekend where we spend most of the time in our pj’s,cooking in, talking and laughing. The other trip only happens every few years with three different friends all scattered across the country, and we spend a few days exploring a city, trying restaurants and catching up. Just thinking about these trips make me smile. More times with our special people is deep joy.
I ended up spontaneously doing that this weekend and it was everything!!!!!! Such a gift, especially after writing this post.
Have you read Chelsea Handler’s most recent book, “I’ll Have What She’s Having”?
I just finished it a few weeks ago and loved it. Was a gateway book for me that has lead to a resurgence in personal reading.
I also cosign traveling as a major source of joy!
I haven’t! But I love her!!!!
I related to so much of this. I'm also a person who's never been especially exuberant or excitable, and while things are never terrible, I rarely feel super excited or joyful. I'm in my early 40s and started to think, maybe this is just midlife - a constant feeling of ennui? I explored this with my therapist and she similarly suggested finding a few times a week for something that brings a sense of joy to life. She says eventually you start to notice that all those tiny moments of pleasure add up to an overall more positive and joyful life. I'm loving all the suggestions below on books to read and hobbies to explore to create more of this! Life is too short to float around feeling indifferent all the time.
The tiny moments!! This, exactly.
I so appreciate you sharing your honest thoughts on so much...from beauty finds or dislikes to feeling anxious. This is why I subscribed and always trust you. I took a Mahjongg class last fall and thought I would never "get it". Then the instructor offered smaller classes so stated those in Feb. It takes awhile and I am still learning but find just playing is most helpful IF I am playing with others who are new to the game...fun and kind. I have not read much fiction lately...given the world...for some it's an escape and for me it doesn't work. So...have been trying to find good travel books if you have or your readers have any recs. I took my first trip alone (on a tour to France) 8 years ago and it was scary initially but also made me feel so good to know I can do things to make myself happy. Granted it was a tour but I did not know a soul. People were nice but I do see that many are there with best friends/daughters/husbands/sisters so welcome you but also its a special trip for them so want that special time with the person they came with. If anyone has any recs for trips with lone travelers for "older" women...again please share.
I'm not sure what you have in mind when you say "older" BUT thought I'd put Atlas Adventures on your radar. Full disclosure, I have never gone on one of their trips, but I have been eyeing them and hoping to find one that works for my schedule in the future. I learned about them from Jess Keys (@notesfromJess on Substack -- apparently I can't tag her?) -- she has spoken really highly of them regularly on her blog!
I’ve heard great things about that one too!
Smaller classes are a gamechanger with Mahjong! I learned to play by taking three classes with friends, and it was SO helpful.
I feel similarly and am reading “Practical Optimism” which has some good strategies
Thank you for the rec!!!