Joy is a Skill
I’m (imperfectly) practicing it by being present, reveling in things I’m bad at, searching for new hobbies, and a few other things.
Confession: I seldom feel joyful or exuberantly happy. My baseline is pretty steady. Not unhappy, but not that full-body joy or floaty happiness, either. I don’t think this is a bad thing, most of the time. I’d rather be even-keeled than swinging between the highest highs and the lowest lows. But I want to be more joyful. That’s where I’ve been lately—nothing majorly wrong, just a vague, low-level meh that needs to be addressed.
I have been talking about joy quite a bit in therapy, and the TLDR is that I find disconnecting from work to be very challenging. Whether it’s thinking about work, actually working, or looking at social media . . . I have a difficult time unplugging. It’s hard to be present when you’re somewhere else. And if you can’t be present? It’s much harder, if not impossible, to feel joy.
I’m working on this! Joy doesn’t always just happen. Sometimes you have to go out and find it. Or make it. Here’s what I’m trying:
Seek Joy Outside of Work
First: I want to find more things I enjoy that aren’t part of my job. There is so much of my job that I love, which is awesome. But I want to have some things that are just for me. That isn’t easy, given that so much of my job involves sharing my life.
Reading was always (and still is) my biggest hobby, but I’d be lying if I said that writing about books didn’t add a layer of pressure. I can’t just slowly read one book over the course of a month (I mean I could, but it would make for boring content and a disappointing end-of-month reading list). I need to balance new releases, diverse authors, and a balance of “smart” vs. “candy” books.
Mahjong is a hobby, but frankly, I find it a little stressful. It isn’t relaxing to me. I do it more as a social thing, because so many of my friends love it. I don’t dislike it, but it’s not my ideal Friday night.
Needlepoint is so soothing, but it doesn’t spark joy for me. Plus, it cuts into my reading time, unless I needlepoint while listening to an audiobook. I do find it very satisfying–it’s like adult paint-by-number! It’s fun creating something beautiful. The best thing about needlepointing is that it helps me to be more present as it keeps my hands busy. No hands = no phone = no scroll, scroll, scroll.
None of these newer hobbies really do the trick the way that reading does, but reading is part of my job! I am currently auditioning new hobbies, hoping to find something that gets me excited. I used to love making jewelry (but as my taste evolved, I got too critical). I enjoy baking and cooking. Last year, I bought all of the supplies to craft paper flowers, but I got intimidated and chickened out. I’ve promised myself that I’ll pick that back up this spring or summer. But this hobby search brings me to my next point…
Do More Things I’m Not Good At (Really)
It may sound counterintuitive, but I want to do things I’m not necessarily good at, without putting pressure on myself to be good at them, or even improve. I can’t put my finger on why this makes me so happy. I think it’s because I am a perfectionist and a control freak. Releasing myself from any sort of expectations? That sparks a lot of joy for me.
I love painting but am objectively not skilled at it. I’d like to spend an afternoon just painting freely. This is difficult for me as I am a huge art lover and can be very critical! I cannot create the sort of painting I’d want to hang in my home. But what if that’s not the point? What if the point is just the journey of the painting? What if I create something that is extremely shitty, but it was enjoyable to make? What if I have the best, most relaxing time making it, and then store it under my bed in a box when I’m done? How liberating would that be?
I have been playing around with film photography a bit. I am still pretty lousy at it. But I’m getting more happy in-the-moment snaps with my friends and family, photos of Charleston! I am so grateful to
here: Thomas shares his tips and camera recs here.
Lean In to Established Sources of Joy
These are my baseline things that I go to when I need more joy. I already know that these things work!
Travel. This is such a big one for me and something that has been missing from my life. Between a long-distance relationship, buying a house, and installing my pool, I’m not exactly globe-trotting these days. I decided that every year I want to take one trip, alone, just for me–something to help creatively reset, something I don’t necessarily post about. I booked a week-long creative retreat1 for this summer and that will be my first one.
Music. Sometimes, in the morning, I’ll crank up the music and dance around my house like an idiot (I’m deeply uncoordinated). This sparks joy and endorphins. (See also: doing things I’m bad at.)
Flowers. Flowers bring me so much joy. I try to swing by my friend Lily’s store once a week to refresh the house with new blooms. One realization I had this year is that I’d much rather have fresh flowers every week than a new dress. Having them all over my space sparks joy, creativity, all the things!
Going to Bed Early. Maybe this is unexpected (there is a voice in my head that tells me I should be out! Socializing! Dancing!) but it brings me a lot of joy to do my skincare, put on my comfiest PJs, read for an hour, and get a really good night of sleep. I feel so cozy and taken care of when I put myself to bed early.
Using the Good Stuff. I use my fancy silver every day, I burn my nice candles even when I’m the only one at home, I wear my special jewelry for non-special occasions. Use your fine things now, don’t save them for someday.
Laughter. This is probably an obvious one (duh), but I have been seeking out more things that make me laugh out loud. This is tricky for me. I rarely laugh out loud, like the belly-laughter sort of laughing. If I have a bad day, I find that curling up with a comedy special on Netflix really helps to turn things around. It has to be the right kind of humor though. My sense of humor is a bit dry and I don’t find a lot of things that other people like funny. I wish that laughing came more easily to me, but Ali Wong and Chelsea Handler almost always hit the spot.
Joy doesn’t have to be big or loud or expensive. In fact, I think the best kind of joy is the kind you almost miss unless you’re looking for it. So I’m trying to look for it. And when I find it, I’m trying to let it in.
If you’ve been feeling a little off, I hope this helps. Xo
Pinned & Noted. All the books I’ve pre-ordered, launches and off-the-beaten path finds I’m excited for.
Carly’s vintage and small business finds are extra good this month. I can’t stop thinking about the Murano glass mirror she sourced!
Orange crush. I love how these photos turned out; plus a slew of pieces from tangerine to fiery red-orange.
Summer smocking! Smocked pieces that feel a little less expected.
Over the weekend, I finished Great Big Beautiful Life, by Emily Henry. I actually think this is my favorite of her books! It was a bit of a different book for her (there’s a mystery, with a few twists), though there’s also all the cozy EmHen feels and a romance storyline. I couldn’t get enough and passed it on to my mom.
After that, I moved on to my ARC of Everyone is Lying to You, by . This was a treat that I devoured in just a few sittings. It isn’t out until July (Jo generously sent me a copy), but I highly recommend pre-ordering. I couldn’t put it down. It is about an estranged pair of best friends: journalist and tradwife influencer. The tradwife is in trouble (and suspected of murdering her husband), and needs the journalist’s help. LOVED it.
I’m now reading The Dream Hotel, by Laila Lalami. It’s set in the not-so-distant future, where a woman is detained after the Risk Assessment Administration determines that (based on her dreams) she is a threat to her husband. Honestly, it’s pretty grim and makes me very anxious. I am about halfway through and getting School for Good Mothers vibes (another book that made me depressed and anxious). I am hoping this ends better than that one!
On audio, I’m still listening to Me, But Better by Olga Khazan. This is really interesting—it’s about the five personality traits (Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism) and our capacity to change. I want to be more open and extroverted (and less neurotic!), and this book has made me realize that could be possible.
There has been a lot of interest and questions around this, which is so nice! I will share the details of the creative retreat when I return. I’m keeping it vague for privacy’s sake. <3
I always thought you just liked to read a lot and shared what you read, I didn’t realise you view it as part of the job. Interesting, I wonder if you took that pressure off yourself or didn’t feel you had to report back would you read as much or would it bring you more joy? Also I wonder if this is a 40s thing. I also find it hard to find hobbies that spark joy…
A lot of this resonated with me! One thing that has brought a lot of joy to my adult life is improv. The shows at Theatre99 are super fun and a great way to have some laughs. I also started taking classes there almost 2-years ago and I’ve found that it’s the only thing I do where I truly do not think about anything else for 2 hours (my mind still wanders back to my to-do list during yoga, needlepoint, etc.). You have no choice but to disconnect and be incredibly present. There is also a sense of “play” to improv that is so rare to find in adult-activities - it’s part of what makes it so joyful for me. I promise promise you don’t have to be an extrovert to enjoy it (I am an extroverted introvert) - it is way more life/engery-giving than the average social commitment.