Well said. I learned to say no years ago then proceeded to teach other women to do the same. Who cares if there is no one to run the school auction?! We won’t have it then! Learning that “no” is a complete sentence is also freeing. And I learned that it’s better not to explain why you’re saying no. They don’t care anyway. They just need to hear/read in an email “no I can’t do that” as quickly as possible so they can hurry and ask the next person on their list. We are all replaceable (except to our families, particularly our children) so you saying no just makes the person asking have to work harder to find someone who will say yes. Maybe that’s what we feel guilty about?!
THANK YOU so much for this post, which was perfectly timed for me - I was literally debating whether to click send on an email declining a second term co-chairing the annual fundraising gala for a nonprofit that is very dear to my heart, and your message gave me the courage to do it.
It was a wrenching decision, but one I had to make in order to not feel too pulled away from my career and family - co-chairing this year’s event was very fulfilling, but also a TON of time and work! And my New Year’s resolution was “if it’s not a Hell Yes, it’s a Hell No” - so I am all on board with this perspective in theory, but it is hard for lifelong people pleasers.
So - thank you for putting this confidence and self-prioritization into the universe!
I can't say I agree with all that is written in this post: some lukewarm "YES"es should be part of our daily life even if they go against our will and feelings . First of all, they are inevitable because our choices are not black-and-white: I want to save some time for my friend to get a rest so I cook for her ...despite the fact that I hate cleaning the kitchen after and during lunch preparation. In this case, a part of me says NO, AVOID THE CHORE but another part says THIS PERSON DESERVES SOME HELP. Second, too many NOs mean avoiding too many situations in your life of which at least a few may have some interesting impacts even if at first they are candidates for rejection. Third, NOs can be relationship-killers: if I always reject something which my buddy loves to do, does this sound like a bond-building action?
I do not know where the line stands but I do know that this ongoing mentality of learning to say NO as a basic rule in our life sounds too selfish and egoistic....for my standards.
Love this - I can relate! As soon as I started saying 'no' more, people that only wanted my time and energy for their purposes started disappearing from my life. At first I felt offended, and then I felt grateful. Sometimes I get so irritated when other people seemingly ask the world of me, and then I remember I've created an environment where they feel that's okay, and it's my responsibility to right that ship.
Thank you for writing this - I am a people-pleaser who needs to go into recovery! 😂 Well, that's not totally fair - I've been working on setting boundries for years with a therapist. However, it's the work of my life to let go my early learned behavoirs around people pleasing. Your essay spurred me to - with the help of a friend - write an email to set boundries with some co-workers who were taking advantage of this side of my nature! Baby steps!
So helpful to hear the specifics of how setting boundaries helps you & what it actually looks like - like the kind email scripts that are ready for you when those situations arise.
OMG I love this so much. As someone who also has a "smaller-than-average social battery,” I love the idea of re-framing an issue to become “what am I missing if I say yes?” THANK YOU.
This is the second time this month I’ve heard, “recovering people-pleaser.” Arianna Grande is on too! I listened to her as the guest on the podcast Smartless. Now I’m wondering if the reason I keep seeing and hearing this term is that I am one! Thanks for sharing, I support you!! It’s all about the power of NO. Easier said than done, a work in progress.
I love this post. I can totally relate about the people pleasing trait. It’s ingrained my business so it spills into my personal life and I’ve made conscious efforts over the years to do exactly what you are saying - if it’s not a hell yes it’s a no. Sometimes I have to fight/justify it particularly if my husband really wants me to attend something - but I’ve gotten so much better at saying no and standing my ground for myself. I need alone time to recharge and when you are with someone who is a total extrovert and doesn’t always understand that it can take extra effort. Thanks Grace!!!! ❤️
It is definitely a journey and I think our jobs are similar in that a lot is asked of us, socially!!! (Also, my bf is an extrovert as well. I'm always drawn to extroverts in friendship and dating!)
Well said. I learned to say no years ago then proceeded to teach other women to do the same. Who cares if there is no one to run the school auction?! We won’t have it then! Learning that “no” is a complete sentence is also freeing. And I learned that it’s better not to explain why you’re saying no. They don’t care anyway. They just need to hear/read in an email “no I can’t do that” as quickly as possible so they can hurry and ask the next person on their list. We are all replaceable (except to our families, particularly our children) so you saying no just makes the person asking have to work harder to find someone who will say yes. Maybe that’s what we feel guilty about?!
I realllllly struggle with not giving a reason but you are so right!
THANK YOU so much for this post, which was perfectly timed for me - I was literally debating whether to click send on an email declining a second term co-chairing the annual fundraising gala for a nonprofit that is very dear to my heart, and your message gave me the courage to do it.
It was a wrenching decision, but one I had to make in order to not feel too pulled away from my career and family - co-chairing this year’s event was very fulfilling, but also a TON of time and work! And my New Year’s resolution was “if it’s not a Hell Yes, it’s a Hell No” - so I am all on board with this perspective in theory, but it is hard for lifelong people pleasers.
So - thank you for putting this confidence and self-prioritization into the universe!
That is exactly why I wrote this post. Really happy it was helpful!!!! <3
I can't say I agree with all that is written in this post: some lukewarm "YES"es should be part of our daily life even if they go against our will and feelings . First of all, they are inevitable because our choices are not black-and-white: I want to save some time for my friend to get a rest so I cook for her ...despite the fact that I hate cleaning the kitchen after and during lunch preparation. In this case, a part of me says NO, AVOID THE CHORE but another part says THIS PERSON DESERVES SOME HELP. Second, too many NOs mean avoiding too many situations in your life of which at least a few may have some interesting impacts even if at first they are candidates for rejection. Third, NOs can be relationship-killers: if I always reject something which my buddy loves to do, does this sound like a bond-building action?
I do not know where the line stands but I do know that this ongoing mentality of learning to say NO as a basic rule in our life sounds too selfish and egoistic....for my standards.
There are always nuances, but we may just need to agree to disagree!
Very much identify with this, thanks for putting it so concisely!
I'm so glad you identified with it!
Love this - I can relate! As soon as I started saying 'no' more, people that only wanted my time and energy for their purposes started disappearing from my life. At first I felt offended, and then I felt grateful. Sometimes I get so irritated when other people seemingly ask the world of me, and then I remember I've created an environment where they feel that's okay, and it's my responsibility to right that ship.
Mel Robbin’s book “The Let Them Theory!”💚
The best book!
Thank you for writing this - I am a people-pleaser who needs to go into recovery! 😂 Well, that's not totally fair - I've been working on setting boundries for years with a therapist. However, it's the work of my life to let go my early learned behavoirs around people pleasing. Your essay spurred me to - with the help of a friend - write an email to set boundries with some co-workers who were taking advantage of this side of my nature! Baby steps!
yes to baby steps!!!!! Have a great weekend!
Sending this to my libra husband :) love this Grace!
Ha! Fellow Libra over here.
So helpful to hear the specifics of how setting boundaries helps you & what it actually looks like - like the kind email scripts that are ready for you when those situations arise.
I'm glad it was helpful!
OMG I love this so much. As someone who also has a "smaller-than-average social battery,” I love the idea of re-framing an issue to become “what am I missing if I say yes?” THANK YOU.
YES! This, exactly.
This is the second time this month I’ve heard, “recovering people-pleaser.” Arianna Grande is on too! I listened to her as the guest on the podcast Smartless. Now I’m wondering if the reason I keep seeing and hearing this term is that I am one! Thanks for sharing, I support you!! It’s all about the power of NO. Easier said than done, a work in progress.
Oh wow, I am going to have to listen!!! It sounds like maybe the universe is sending you a message!
If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no! Thank you for this excellent reminder
Yes! You are welcome. :)
Loved your message! Hit home to me too!! Thank you!
I'm so glad! xx
I love this post. I can totally relate about the people pleasing trait. It’s ingrained my business so it spills into my personal life and I’ve made conscious efforts over the years to do exactly what you are saying - if it’s not a hell yes it’s a no. Sometimes I have to fight/justify it particularly if my husband really wants me to attend something - but I’ve gotten so much better at saying no and standing my ground for myself. I need alone time to recharge and when you are with someone who is a total extrovert and doesn’t always understand that it can take extra effort. Thanks Grace!!!! ❤️
It is definitely a journey and I think our jobs are similar in that a lot is asked of us, socially!!! (Also, my bf is an extrovert as well. I'm always drawn to extroverts in friendship and dating!)
HI- did you do a review of "this is a love story". Thanks, Marianne
I did! Maybe last week! But also, all book reviews live here: https://thestripe.com/reads/