Confessions of a Recovering People-Pleaser
I’m still getting used to saying no
Recently, a girlfriend told me that she admired my boundaries. She said something to the effect of: “You know exactly who you are and aren’t afraid to say no.”
Honestly? That is one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever received. The truth is that I still really struggle with saying no. I hate letting people down. I’ve found growth with age and experience, and the knowledge that sometimes I have to disappoint other people to say yes to myself.
Socially speaking, I am a homebody. Plans more than a few nights a week stress me. When I first moved to Charleston, I’d say yes to everything. This was partially out of fear (“If I don’t say yes, they won’t ask again!”) and partially a factor of just trying to find “my people.” I’d say yes to every influencer dinner, yes to meeting a new acquaintance for a drink or even dinner, yes to posting about local businesses, yes to working for free, yes, yes, yes!
And then . . . I’d find myself in a really bad mood . . . unable to pinpoint why I was in a bad mood!
A Breaking Point
My own wake-up call from people-pleasing came in the form of burnout—equal parts social, emotional, and physical. I was stretched so thin from saying yes that I had no energy left. A calendar filled with plans I didn’t want to attend, an inbox full of emails I felt too guilty to ignore. I felt drained, resentful, tired!
I realized that my desire to be liked had trained me to always be available, accommodating, and agreeable. This had, in turn, trained the people around me to always ask! The second I even thought about saying no, the guilt was excruciating. I didn’t want to be perceived as selfish, difficult, or unkind.
The Power of saying “No”
The most helpful realization is that saying “yes” to something I’m lukewarm on means saying “no” to something I’d rather be doing. Dinner with my family, a one-on-one hang with a close friend . . . hell, time on my couch with the cats. Sometimes, I will actually picture my niece’s face when I am RSVPing. If I say yes to this random influencer dinner, I might not get to see her that week. Time is a finite resource—especially when you are a 40-something introvert with a smaller-than-average social battery.
After hitting a breaking point, the first time I consciously said no I was riddled with guilt. The event came and went, it was all over my Instagram, and I felt not one pang of FOMO. I liked seeing the photos, it looked very pretty, and maybe this sounds bad, but I was ultimately just really glad I wasn’t there. And guess what? The world didn’t end. I wasn’t blacklisted. My friends were still my friends. No one cared that I wasn’t there. It was all in my head.
It gets easier and easier. “I can’t, but let’s find another time!” “I’m so sorry, but my plate is fuller than I’d like it to be.” These are simple, easier ways to say no.
I started setting small boundaries—declining invites that didn’t excite me, and coming up with firm (but friendly!) canned responses in Gmail that I can quickly fire off when someone asks something of me that I don’t want to do. I have one for when I’m asked to work for free, one for when I’m asked for Charleston recs, one for when an aspiring blogger wants advice, and so on and so forth.
At first, it was uncomfortable. Change is hard! With time, I have learned that boundaries don’t push good people away; they filter out the ones who only stick around for what you can do for them.
Freedom!
Now, I live by a simple rule: If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
I don’t RSVP out of guilt. I don’t accept projects that undervalue my time. I don’t say yes just to avoid disappointing someone. And the people who truly matter? They respect my boundaries, because they know that when I do show up, I actually want to be there.
By being a little more ruthless with the fluff stuff, I have more time for my close friends and the events that matter or excite me the most, like going to the ballet earlier this week, or playing Mahjong with my friends. A hard line is that my family comes first. I will always prioritize a casual dinner with them, or even babysitting my niece over an influencer dinner or brand party.
People-pleasing is a hard habit to break, but here’s the thing: You’re not responsible for how others react to your boundaries. You are responsible for protecting your own time, energy, and peace of mind. No one is going to do that for you.
It has been months since I looked at my calendar and felt overwhelmed. I have time to say yes to spontaneous dinner plans or a walk with a friend. I have time to babysit my niece if my sister is in a pickle. I don’t feel rushed; I don’t feel overwhelmed. And that feels really good!
A very fun resorty-y White Lotus-inspired edit!
A more personal post: getting back into healthier habits. My current gym routine, high-protein snacks, my treadmill desk situation, and more.
I finished Jessica Goodman's The Meadowbrook Murders, and just as I predicted, I loved it. Goodman writes what I call “YA for grownups.” It is a fast-paced murder mystery set at a boarding school. I guessed the killer, which was satisfying.
I also finished (on Audible) The Friday Afternoon Club by Griffin Dunne. Loved it. The perfect mix of family stories, a little bit of celebrity glamour, and (tasteful) name-dropping, It does take a darker turn at times as it covers the murder of Dunne’s sister Dominique. Still, overall, it is a fun and interesting listen. I gave it an A+.
I was lucky enough to be gifted an advance copy of Julie Clarke’s latest, The Ghostwriter. I am a huge fan of her books (The Last Flight is one of my all-time favorite thrillers!) This was excellent. A nearly broke ghostwriter accepts a job she really doesn’t want: writing her estranged father’s memoirs. I couldn’t put it down, and it kept me guessing the whole time. I highly recommend it, and you know how important pre-orders are for authors! I also gave this an A+!
Now, on Audible, I’m listening to The Sirens' Call: How Attention Became the World's Most Endangered Resource. I am not very far along with it, but it’s been highly recommended by so many. And you know I will gobble up anything about the attention economy/how our phones are slowly destroying us. ;)
Well said. I learned to say no years ago then proceeded to teach other women to do the same. Who cares if there is no one to run the school auction?! We won’t have it then! Learning that “no” is a complete sentence is also freeing. And I learned that it’s better not to explain why you’re saying no. They don’t care anyway. They just need to hear/read in an email “no I can’t do that” as quickly as possible so they can hurry and ask the next person on their list. We are all replaceable (except to our families, particularly our children) so you saying no just makes the person asking have to work harder to find someone who will say yes. Maybe that’s what we feel guilty about?!
THANK YOU so much for this post, which was perfectly timed for me - I was literally debating whether to click send on an email declining a second term co-chairing the annual fundraising gala for a nonprofit that is very dear to my heart, and your message gave me the courage to do it.
It was a wrenching decision, but one I had to make in order to not feel too pulled away from my career and family - co-chairing this year’s event was very fulfilling, but also a TON of time and work! And my New Year’s resolution was “if it’s not a Hell Yes, it’s a Hell No” - so I am all on board with this perspective in theory, but it is hard for lifelong people pleasers.
So - thank you for putting this confidence and self-prioritization into the universe!