So many thoughts! I also related to this so hard. I find that sometimes the pride paralysis is most acute when I am in the midst of change. I wonder if it feels at all similar for you, given that the blog industry continues to evolve and Substack has become such a wonderful, exciting space for you to create? Leaning into the new is so invigorating, but can also mean the (self) narrative isn't established. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes it harder to articulate who we are and where we're going if we're figuring things out as we go.
I also had the thought that men never seem to suffer from this issue. Or maybe they don't talk about it? (Ask the dudes in your life and report back in a Part II, PLZ!)
Final thought. You have worked as a pioneer in an industry that has evolved in real time, all the way back to our first days on Blogger and monthly calls to figure out how to price a sidebar ad. Remember the derision from the fashion media at seeing bloggers sitting front row at shows? There's always been some voice dogging creators as they laid the foundation for a new type of media, and as much as you know it's bullshit...I imagine it's inevitable that some of it gets internalized, or at least becomes part of the "identity" of the job. Knowing it doesn't make it go away, of course, but it bears reminding that the critic we hear in our head is usually totally misguided!
And yes oh my goodness those early 2010-days of blogging. Remember? Thinking that $25 a month for that sidebar ad was a wild ask? Oh how things have changed.
"the critic is misguided." Need that on a post-it.
I get it. I’m a stay at home mom and when people ask me what I do…I clam up. I’ve started to think of better things to say. Like I run everyone’s lives in my house or I get shit done. But then think my job is fucking hard why am I diminishing it.
I came here to say essentially the same thing! I also am a stay at home mom (hate the verbiage) and I feel like I turn red around the working moms when they ask what I do.
A woman made a comment about her daughter’s school saying, in a disparaging,None of the moms work….. I wanted to say, are we still doing this shit…All moms work!!!
One thing that I have noticed in the last 3-4 weeks is the number of content creators that seem t be really down on themselves/needing to justify why they do what they do etc. and it all seems to coincide with that one post from Emily Sundberg and.... I don't get it!!! It actually makes me sad to see that we never really seem to leave high school. Accomplished women who have found their voice, niche etc. are questioning their value based on some brat's thoughts? I follow her and most of the time I just think wow, this girl needs to get a life, a real one. I know that I am old and the one good thing about being 51 is that I really have little f***left to give on a lot of things ... I am still hard on myself but in much different ways and give myself a lot more grace than I ever did.
I'll share something concrete that I've observed with both myself and with my kids (now ages 17 and 20), which is that when I am getting regular, decently intense exercise (or when they are), that inner voice seems to fade away. I don't mean crazy hard work outs, but for me that means a few 4 mile runs and a few good sweaty strength work outs each week, and for my kids the seasons when their sports and practices are in session. I have no idea what the correlation is, but it's a STRONG one for us. It's not even a matter of "dealing" with that inner voice - it's like exercise is the antidote to having it in the first place.
Molly, I feel the exact same! I would take it one step further and say that I've noticed how important it is to stay offline while I'm doing the workouts as well. It's a form of really specific single focus that otherwise doesn't really happen in my life? And, further to what you've described, I feel as though all my spare mental energy tends to default to self-criticism and rumination on things that I can't change/feel powerless and overwhelmed by. Through exercise, it's like this spare energy gets catalytically converted into endorphins that fuel my mind for good. It's like the only way it can happen! I remember saying to my husband at one point, if I'm having a real "spin-my-wheels" moment, can you please gently ask me if I've worked out today. It's a non-negotiable pillar for me otherwise I feel that slip into a not-great mental space so quickly.
Yes! Same, Molly! I’m not sure why I ever went phases of my life without seeing this connection. But grateful I know this now and take action. More physical activity + less screen time = a less self-critical inner dialogue.
Molly, it’s so interesting you say this about getting exercise because I started doing ballet again nearly a year ago and it has given me so much confidence. I walk with my head held up when I always used to look down and I feel stronger in my body. It’s been such a life changer for me
I so relate to this. I’m a stay at home mom of 3 kids. But I sit on active advisory boards, am PA president this year, volunteer with other organizations, teach mahjong on the side, and organize women’s gatherings for my church along with taking care of my kids. Someone recently said “Wow, you give a lot of your time to others” (we were trying to schedule a lunch and I had conflicts) and my response was “Oh gosh no, not at all, it’s not like I have an important job. I’m just a stay at home mom. It’s nothing.” I hate that I said that- it’s not nothing- and hate that I felt the need to compare myself mentally to others (working parents). Why do I do this?!? I wish I had just said “Yes, it is sometimes overwhelming, but on the whole I really enjoy all of these volunteer commitments and am glad I am doing them.” I’m going to make this my go-to response if this happens again! Thanks for the pep talk.
I have what some would consider a"high powered" job that comes with the title and all but... my most important job is and always will be mom. You are raising the future generation. Is there a bigger job? No, there is not and please do not discount that!
I want to chime in with the opposite perspective because I somehow was born with the ability to never assume the problem is me. When I share this with my girlfriends they look at me like I’m an alien. I think most women suffer from the same self doubt and insecurities that you described so eloquently, Grace. But personally, my lack of perfectionist tendencies and ability to view the world through rose-colored glasses keeps me sane. And I also assume that most people are striving to maintain their own sanity and also looking for authentic connection so are not taking the time and effort to judge me too harshly (just like I am not judging them)!
We all get down on ourselves ❤️ you create wonderful content and you make a difference in people’s lives :) I want to focus on one thing you mentioned - your style is NOT outdated! I follow you particularly for your unique sense of style. I really love that you’re not trying to adopt all the gen z trends or look like other creators. You’re very thoughtful about the trends you incorporate (loved the sock post hehe). I truly look forward to seeing all outfits each week! Please don’t be so hard on yourself xoxo
Thank you, yet again, for sharing such a relatable story. I think your relatability is one of your greatest qualities! In shows up in everything you do, and this time was no different. It’s a tough job not to be critical of ourselves. I like your approach to working on it. ❤️
Therapist here! The one book I recommend to all of my clients is Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. We are hard-wired and conditioned to be critical but there's a way out!
YES! For sure!! And, they also offer online classes that non-therapists can take, too. I took one just for me, not for any kind of professional reason (though obvs it helped!), this spring and it was transformative. Highly highly recommend! https://centerformsc.myshopify.com/collections/beginner
Great essay. My only nitpick - your newsletter is much more than a shopping newsletter. I'm here for your writing, your perspective, and your uncanny ability to voice the swirl going around in my head.
Pumped you're reading Bee Sting, I can't wait to hear what you think. It's an ending that I still ruminate on months later. I'm also reading Stolen Focus!
Someone asked me what I do the other day and I laughed awkwardly and said “nothing.” 🤦🏻♀️ I am running from 5am to 10pm but couldn’t think of a single thing that I do.
Same! I think it’s human nature (esp for a lot of women) to downplay our accomplishments. FWIW, I love your new elevator pitch. It encapsulates your experience beautifully.
Oh gosh I relate to this so much. One of my most dreaded questions is, "What do you do?" I need to work on my elevator pitch too. You are hugely accomplished in your own unique way as a business owner and an expert in your field!
I love your idea to practice your elevator speech, and catch yourself when someone compliments you and say thank you. Are brains are trained by our previous interactions into the same old grooves - compliment - deflect; what do I do for work - oh, it's so nothing, stupid! We need to retrain our brains into the new grooves of confidence and happiness in what we do. You do these things because you are good at them and they give you joy - let your interactions show that! Just like the 10,000 hours of practice to get good at anything, we need to practice our responses so our brains can learn our new responses, and let them actually reflect how we really feel. We don't need to do the typical female responses that society has trained us to do of putting ourselves down! Confidence is wonderful and infectious and honest!! you go girl!!
So many thoughts! I also related to this so hard. I find that sometimes the pride paralysis is most acute when I am in the midst of change. I wonder if it feels at all similar for you, given that the blog industry continues to evolve and Substack has become such a wonderful, exciting space for you to create? Leaning into the new is so invigorating, but can also mean the (self) narrative isn't established. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes it harder to articulate who we are and where we're going if we're figuring things out as we go.
I also had the thought that men never seem to suffer from this issue. Or maybe they don't talk about it? (Ask the dudes in your life and report back in a Part II, PLZ!)
Final thought. You have worked as a pioneer in an industry that has evolved in real time, all the way back to our first days on Blogger and monthly calls to figure out how to price a sidebar ad. Remember the derision from the fashion media at seeing bloggers sitting front row at shows? There's always been some voice dogging creators as they laid the foundation for a new type of media, and as much as you know it's bullshit...I imagine it's inevitable that some of it gets internalized, or at least becomes part of the "identity" of the job. Knowing it doesn't make it go away, of course, but it bears reminding that the critic we hear in our head is usually totally misguided!
The dudes do not get it. HA.
And yes oh my goodness those early 2010-days of blogging. Remember? Thinking that $25 a month for that sidebar ad was a wild ask? Oh how things have changed.
"the critic is misguided." Need that on a post-it.
I get it. I’m a stay at home mom and when people ask me what I do…I clam up. I’ve started to think of better things to say. Like I run everyone’s lives in my house or I get shit done. But then think my job is fucking hard why am I diminishing it.
I came here to say essentially the same thing! I also am a stay at home mom (hate the verbiage) and I feel like I turn red around the working moms when they ask what I do.
A woman made a comment about her daughter’s school saying, in a disparaging,None of the moms work….. I wanted to say, are we still doing this shit…All moms work!!!
ugh i hear this from SO MANY of my mom friends!!!!
There is a reason that “home economics” was a class and used to be a college major!
I feel the same way.
Just a quick note to say that you don't need Procter & Gamble/Coty to justify the beautiful work you put out into the world either :)
thank you :) xx
One thing that I have noticed in the last 3-4 weeks is the number of content creators that seem t be really down on themselves/needing to justify why they do what they do etc. and it all seems to coincide with that one post from Emily Sundberg and.... I don't get it!!! It actually makes me sad to see that we never really seem to leave high school. Accomplished women who have found their voice, niche etc. are questioning their value based on some brat's thoughts? I follow her and most of the time I just think wow, this girl needs to get a life, a real one. I know that I am old and the one good thing about being 51 is that I really have little f***left to give on a lot of things ... I am still hard on myself but in much different ways and give myself a lot more grace than I ever did.
yeah i would be lying if i said that piece didn't do a bit of a number on me! thank you for the vote of confidence :) xx
I'll share something concrete that I've observed with both myself and with my kids (now ages 17 and 20), which is that when I am getting regular, decently intense exercise (or when they are), that inner voice seems to fade away. I don't mean crazy hard work outs, but for me that means a few 4 mile runs and a few good sweaty strength work outs each week, and for my kids the seasons when their sports and practices are in session. I have no idea what the correlation is, but it's a STRONG one for us. It's not even a matter of "dealing" with that inner voice - it's like exercise is the antidote to having it in the first place.
you are absolutely right, and now that I think about it I have not been working out the way I usually do!
Molly, I feel the exact same! I would take it one step further and say that I've noticed how important it is to stay offline while I'm doing the workouts as well. It's a form of really specific single focus that otherwise doesn't really happen in my life? And, further to what you've described, I feel as though all my spare mental energy tends to default to self-criticism and rumination on things that I can't change/feel powerless and overwhelmed by. Through exercise, it's like this spare energy gets catalytically converted into endorphins that fuel my mind for good. It's like the only way it can happen! I remember saying to my husband at one point, if I'm having a real "spin-my-wheels" moment, can you please gently ask me if I've worked out today. It's a non-negotiable pillar for me otherwise I feel that slip into a not-great mental space so quickly.
yes to this!!!!!
Yes! Same, Molly! I’m not sure why I ever went phases of my life without seeing this connection. But grateful I know this now and take action. More physical activity + less screen time = a less self-critical inner dialogue.
100%. This is a good reminder to break a sweat this weekend!
Agree! This works for me too.
Molly, it’s so interesting you say this about getting exercise because I started doing ballet again nearly a year ago and it has given me so much confidence. I walk with my head held up when I always used to look down and I feel stronger in my body. It’s been such a life changer for me
I so relate to this. I’m a stay at home mom of 3 kids. But I sit on active advisory boards, am PA president this year, volunteer with other organizations, teach mahjong on the side, and organize women’s gatherings for my church along with taking care of my kids. Someone recently said “Wow, you give a lot of your time to others” (we were trying to schedule a lunch and I had conflicts) and my response was “Oh gosh no, not at all, it’s not like I have an important job. I’m just a stay at home mom. It’s nothing.” I hate that I said that- it’s not nothing- and hate that I felt the need to compare myself mentally to others (working parents). Why do I do this?!? I wish I had just said “Yes, it is sometimes overwhelming, but on the whole I really enjoy all of these volunteer commitments and am glad I am doing them.” I’m going to make this my go-to response if this happens again! Thanks for the pep talk.
I have what some would consider a"high powered" job that comes with the title and all but... my most important job is and always will be mom. You are raising the future generation. Is there a bigger job? No, there is not and please do not discount that!
You sound exactly like a good friend of mine (and she is one of the most impressive people I know!). Hugs.
I want to chime in with the opposite perspective because I somehow was born with the ability to never assume the problem is me. When I share this with my girlfriends they look at me like I’m an alien. I think most women suffer from the same self doubt and insecurities that you described so eloquently, Grace. But personally, my lack of perfectionist tendencies and ability to view the world through rose-colored glasses keeps me sane. And I also assume that most people are striving to maintain their own sanity and also looking for authentic connection so are not taking the time and effort to judge me too harshly (just like I am not judging them)!
You are very lucky!!!!
We all get down on ourselves ❤️ you create wonderful content and you make a difference in people’s lives :) I want to focus on one thing you mentioned - your style is NOT outdated! I follow you particularly for your unique sense of style. I really love that you’re not trying to adopt all the gen z trends or look like other creators. You’re very thoughtful about the trends you incorporate (loved the sock post hehe). I truly look forward to seeing all outfits each week! Please don’t be so hard on yourself xoxo
This is so nice, thank you so much. Hope you have a great weekend!!!
My friends and I were all so grateful for the sock post 😹
Thank you, yet again, for sharing such a relatable story. I think your relatability is one of your greatest qualities! In shows up in everything you do, and this time was no different. It’s a tough job not to be critical of ourselves. I like your approach to working on it. ❤️
I was thinking the same. Loved this post, Grace. Thank you for sharing with us.
thank you!
thank you, jennifer! I so appreciate that!
Therapist here! The one book I recommend to all of my clients is Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. We are hard-wired and conditioned to be critical but there's a way out!
oh thank you! I will look this up!
YES! For sure!! And, they also offer online classes that non-therapists can take, too. I took one just for me, not for any kind of professional reason (though obvs it helped!), this spring and it was transformative. Highly highly recommend! https://centerformsc.myshopify.com/collections/beginner
Great essay. My only nitpick - your newsletter is much more than a shopping newsletter. I'm here for your writing, your perspective, and your uncanny ability to voice the swirl going around in my head.
Pumped you're reading Bee Sting, I can't wait to hear what you think. It's an ending that I still ruminate on months later. I'm also reading Stolen Focus!
Xo
Same thought, “a popular newsletter” you have almost 50K subscribers that’s amazing!!
thank you :)
thank you :)
and the book is SO GOOD. I definitely lost steam with Imelda's section but hoping to get some solid reading time in this weekend.
Someone asked me what I do the other day and I laughed awkwardly and said “nothing.” 🤦🏻♀️ I am running from 5am to 10pm but couldn’t think of a single thing that I do.
hahahaha. I have told people I'm a stay-at-home-cat-mom when in fact, I usualy work ten hours a day.
Yes!
Same! I think it’s human nature (esp for a lot of women) to downplay our accomplishments. FWIW, I love your new elevator pitch. It encapsulates your experience beautifully.
thank you!
I love your elevator pitch!
thank you!
Oh gosh I relate to this so much. One of my most dreaded questions is, "What do you do?" I need to work on my elevator pitch too. You are hugely accomplished in your own unique way as a business owner and an expert in your field!
Gah, so glad you relate! I HATE THE QUESTION. It's so hard!!!! Thanks friend - it's a relief to me that you struggle with this as well?
I love your idea to practice your elevator speech, and catch yourself when someone compliments you and say thank you. Are brains are trained by our previous interactions into the same old grooves - compliment - deflect; what do I do for work - oh, it's so nothing, stupid! We need to retrain our brains into the new grooves of confidence and happiness in what we do. You do these things because you are good at them and they give you joy - let your interactions show that! Just like the 10,000 hours of practice to get good at anything, we need to practice our responses so our brains can learn our new responses, and let them actually reflect how we really feel. We don't need to do the typical female responses that society has trained us to do of putting ourselves down! Confidence is wonderful and infectious and honest!! you go girl!!
That is such a wonderful point (that our brains are trained!) Thank you for this.