The One About Friend Groups

Am I becoming a pack animal?

A big thank you to Monica Vinader, this week’s presenting sponsor. I love how colorful their latest collection is; the stone friendship bracelets are a must. Take 20% off with GRACEMV20. More below!

(Thank you for supporting our wonderful, highly-vetted sponsors, who keep Fridays paywall free!)

When I first moved to New York (in 2006, at age 25), my friends and I traveled in a pack. A happy hour of six would turn into 18 as everyone was young and single and would invite a friend or three from work. Those happy hours turned into a book club and then ultimately a wine club because no one ever read the book anyway. I still remember those wine club nights—30 of us packing ourselves like sardines into someone’s living room. We all lived with roommates and would take turns hosting. Five to a couch, two to an armchair, the rest of us cozy on the floor. It is hard for my current self to imagine enjoying this: They say that as you age, you become less extroverted, and I can definitely relate to that.

With time, smaller bonds were formed within those larger groups. The wine club faded away and I had a group of maybe eight women that I was really close with and saw every week.

More time passed. People moved, got married, had babies; we lost touch. Meanwhile, I was working at a start-up, which was all-consuming. Those coworkers became my new friend group. But then the same thing happened: Over the course of a year or two, we all left the company, people moved away and I really only saw one of those friends regularly. (It was

Becca Freeman

, BTW, who I ended up starting a podcast with.)

Being in a friend group always felt natural to me. In high school, I ran three seasons (cross-country, indoor track, outdoor track). The long-distance gals were my friend group.

Running and Me

In college, I pledged a sorority. When I lived in Boston for three years after graduation my college friends and I lived really close to each other, so it felt like an extension of that.

But by the time I left New York, I didn’t have a friend group. I had two best friends and lots of acquaintances and semi-close friends. I didn’t mind this—I never felt lonely or lacking in my friendships—and small groups or one-on-one hangs are my ideal. I prefer to go deep than make small talk. Big crowds and loud noises overwhelm me.

Plus, friend groups can be risky. I remember being “kicked out” of my first friend group in college. I haven’t thought about that in a long time. I only even remembered it as I wrote this post, but I still don’t know what I did to get kicked out. Three girls I was tight with all just ghosted me. We were going to room together the following year, and suddenly, we weren’t. And I was no longer welcome at meals, etc. Freshman year was very lonely. I ended up transferring, so it didn’t really matter in the long-term, but it hurt my feelings at the time.

Friend groups can gossip. This season of The White Lotus was triggering. Those three friends loved each other, but their behavior was really toxic. Shit-talking disguised as concern. Snide remarks. It can be hard to open up to a larger group of friends. Will they hug me now and gossip later? Will I be the subject of conversation at the next group hang? I’ve been there, and it feels terrible. I am still a little bit traumatized from when I first started my blog. Some friends were supportive, but most people didn’t get it. I know that people made fun of it behind my back, and that really sucked. It was easier to just befriend influencers and other people in the industry that “got it.”

Besides the trickier psychological dynamics of female friendship, logistical dynamics can change too. It happened when I was in my mid-20s and everyone got married. Then again, when the babies came (and I couldn’t imagine wanting to get pregnant). It happened as friends moved away, or made new friends through their kids' schools. All of this is natural, but it proved a friendship impermanence in many ways. Not all friendships are built to last forever. There is that quote, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,” and that rings true.

There’s yet another challenge that comes with being an “Internet person.” People think they know me based on the curated parts of myself that I choose to share publicly, but I don’t know anything about them! Do they want to be my friend because we have something in common, or because they think they know me from Instagram? Or worse: They want me to share their small business/invite them to a party/insert other favor.

All of this to say, up until more recently, I’ve found that it’s easier to be a lone wolf than a pack animal. Have a few trusted friends that I really lean on; keep the rest of the friendships more surface level. But that’s changing.

Something funny happened when I moved to Charleston. It’s a lot more social here, and it is a smaller town. This has its disadvantages (I like being grubby on my evening walks and always run into someone I know!), but it has a lot of advantages too. You see the same people repeatedly, and it’s easier to form deeper relationships. (It’s also easier to weed out the bad apples.) After four years, I suddenly have several different friend groups. Not just friend groups: close friend groups. I don’t really know how that happened. I feel like the prickly porcupine that got adopted by some really wonderful people and then softened up and learned to trust them.

I remember when I was first invited to be in a cookbook club. I loved the idea in theory. But I’ve always cherished a quiet Sunday night in to reset before the work week, and they usually met on Sundays! Also, it was eight people. (That felt like a lot.) I joined, but was nervous and a little bit skeptical. I was wayyyy too in my head about this. It felt overwhelming, like a big commitment. (What if I didn’t like it and had to quit!?) As it turns out, my brain was working overdrive and telling me silly stories. Swapping one quiet Sunday a month for a cookbook club with these eight friends was one of the best things I’ve done. It is very restorative (vs. draining), and I feel like I’ve deepened my relationships with this group. It’s a safe, trusted space. These women are good people. They do not gossip. They are ambitious, adventurous, and incredibly smart. We have long conversations about work and life and relationships and I’m so grateful for that. It is through them that I decided that a) yes I needed a therapist and b) got a recommendation for a therapist. I never worry about feeling used, or being gossiped about, or any of that.

I have gone on a handful of girls’ trips (something I hadn’t done in years!), and have a few different monthly lunches. I really love the belonging and support that comes with being a part of each of these friend groups.

I still get a little overwhelmed by groups larger than four or so. I do not enjoy influencer events and skip most of them. If something feels fake or there is a lot of small talk, I tend to disengage and find myself mentally checking out. Even when I know everyone, I sometimes have to mentally psych myself up. I have a lot of flaws, but know that I am a good friend. I am loyal, stick up for the people I love, avoid drama, and do absolutely anything for my close friends. It just takes me a while to get there. Sometimes it is bonding over trauma that deepens a friendship (my best friend and I got close when we both went through bad breakups 12 years ago). Sometimes it’s a trip. Sometimes, it’s just spending more time together. Regardless, I feel lucky. Maybe I’m more of a pack animal than I initially thought.

Monica Vinader has been a favorite jewelry designer for a long time (remember this trip?), but I think her newest Spring collection might be my favorite.

It combines the gorgeous gold vermeil we’re used to seeing from her with bold, colorful gemstones. The pieces I wear most are these earrings (they make a statement, but they’re nice and light) and these stone friendship bracelets. Other pieces I love: this longer necklace (perfect for layering), this statement collar (it’s even more gorgeous in person), this gold friendship bracelet, and this beaded necklace. I love that all her pieces are made using 100% recycled materials and ethically sourced diamonds, gemstones, and pearls. Use GRACEMV20 for 20% off!

Everything here is under $200!

A big round-up of my favorite summer basics: tees, cut-offs, classic swim, sandals and more!

A review of the Cumulus cold coffee machine. I love mine!

Summer style under $200!

Mini madness: A slew of gorgeous mini dresses and platform heels in a nice range of price points.

By request, here is my home gym setup! All the details on my treadmill, weights, stretching essentials, and more.

Don’t miss my MDW sales round-up… there are so many! I’ve been updating this post daily.

I finished reading The Dream Hotel, by Laila Lalami. This book is chilling. It is reminiscent of The School for Good Mothers, which broke my heart. It’s hard to recommend it as I felt nervous and anxious (and downright upset!) for the better part of the time I spent reading it. In the not-so-distant future, a woman is detained by the RAA (Risk Assessment Agency) because of violent dreams she had about her husband. For the safety of her husband, she is detained for 21 days. Or so she thinks. I will say no more, but this book is very upsetting! (Order on Bookshop.org or Amazon.)

After that, I raced through the new J.T. Ellison book, Last Seen. This is not out until 8/1, but it is worth the pre-order. It is about a woman whose life is unraveling (about to divorce, fired from her job). When her father is injured, she races home to be with him, only to discover a massive secret: her mother wasn’t killed in an accident; she was murdered. She races to uncover a massive web of lies (it involves a serial killer). I couldn’t put it down. (Order on Bookshop.org or Amazon.)

My current read is The Manor of Dreams, by Christina Li. It’s too soon to say much about it, but I like the premise.

I finished listening to Me, But Better, by Olga Khazan. It’s about the science of personality change, with Khazan as the guinea pig. I relate to her desire to be more extroverted and less neurotic, so I appreciated it. It’s a fairly quick listen. I felt it dragged at times (and that some of the info was common sense), but I ultimately enjoyed it. (Order on Bookshop.org or Amazon.)