How to Avoid the Comparison Trap
Keep your eyes on your own paper!
Last weekend, I had two girlfriends over. It was the simplest but nicest afternoon. The three of us wore casual clothes and went makeup-free. I ordered some easy snacks from Bartaco, and we sat around my living room, needlepointing and drinking seltzer. As an introvert, this was truly my ideal friend hang. My proverbial cup felt full and I slept like a baby that night.
As we caught up, one of my friends exclaimed something to the effect of, My god. I am just so glad I came to Charleston fully baked. I can’t imagine what this place would do to me if I were younger.
By fully baked, she meant she arrived here in her late 30s (she also moved from New York), having worked on herself, gotten married, settled, comfortable in her career. Our other friend and I nodded emphatically. She’s right. I’m really glad I came here when I was older too. There is that saying, “There will always be someone prettier, smarter, and richer,” and for me, life in Charleston drives that point home. Sometimes it feels like everyone and everything is so perfect and fancy, and I’m a dowdy can of beer in a land of sparkling champagne flutes.
This city is distinct from other places I’ve lived because there is a lot of wealth, but there is also a lot of leisure. Charleston has more sitting around the pool and long lunches, while in New York there is more hustling. While I can hustle and afford nice things, there is no way for me to keep up with this sort of luxurious lifestyle. It isn’t remotely attainable! Comparing myself to others doesn’t feel good. In a way, I look at it as a little test, a challenge to stop comparing myself. They can do them, I’ll do me–keep my eyes on my own paper.
Here are some of my tricks for stepping away from the comparison trap.
Shift to a Gratitude Mindset
The most effective way for me to stop the comparison game is to practice gratitude. Every day, I write down the three things I am most grateful for. This is never hard. So much of my life still feels wild to me. I never imagined I’d have my house in Charleston, and I never dreamed I’d have a pool. I love living close to my family. I love my boyfriend and all of my friends. Being an auntie is the very best! I love springtime here, being among the flowers. And it’s not just the big stuff. Sometimes I’m just really grateful for a great cup of coffee (the second cup, after the protein coffee lol), a funny text from a friend, or a really good book. Gratitude won’t erase those feelings of envy, but it will quiet them!
Limit Social Media
While yes, I am a person who earns the better part of her living via social media, I try to be in more of a creation vs. consumption state. So I go on Instagram to do my job (post, respond to comments, etc.) but then I close out the app. I actually do not do very much scrolling. Sometimes I feel bad about this, as I miss my friends’ posts, but social media can be such a huge time suck, and it’s often not healthy.
Muting is absolutely OK. I mute people, even friends, on the reg. It’s not because I don’t like them, but because their content, for whatever reason, makes me feel “less than.” And that’s my cue to take a little space. Curating your feed isn’t petty; it’s self-preservation. No one will ever know that you’ve muted them, and it’s easy to unmute in a couple days or even months. This happens often in the summer, when everyone is suddenly in Europe for two months. I’m human, I get jealous.
Remember that social media is a highlight reel. I know this better than anyone (you barely saw my face last week because I was red and peely from micro-needling!). People post the good stuff. No one posts the fight they had with their partner, the massive breakout imploding on their face, the ratty sweats they wore while they worked late into the night on their couch. Social media is never the full story, for even (especially?) the most “perfect” influencers. So you might be comparing your bloopers to someone else’s shining moments, and that just isn’t a level playing field!
Celebrate Without Comparison
My friend Molly always says that “a rising tide lifts all boats,” and that is the truest thing. This one actually comes very easily to me. I love cheering for my friends, and other women I admire. Genuinely celebrating other people’s wins feels really good.
I’ll send a nice comment. Share another creator’s work. Send a DM. Call a friend and say “Wow, that’s really cool that you did that.” It shifts the mindset from “Why not me?” to “Good for her, maybe one day that’ll be me too.” That feels better.
Channel the Jealousy
This is one of my favorite tricks, actually. If I find myself feeling envious, I ask myself what it’s pointing me toward. Sometimes it’s a sign that I want something similar. More creativity? More connection? More adventure? Maybe it is time to start a new project or plan a trip. Let your envy shine a light on what you want. And while you’re there, use it productively. The envy you are feeling can push you to do your own best work.
The comparison trap is very real, very human (and totally normal). I have to remind myself all the time—I’m not a bad person or weird for comparing myself to others or feeling jealous. The important thing is what you do with these feelings. Catch yourself in the act, and choose a different path—one that’s kinder to yourself!
Yesterday, Doen announced their Mother’s Day Sale. This hadn’t been on my radar, so I felt excited. Three dresses I personally have and love are included: this, this, and this. I size down to a small in all of them. The Ischia dress is another personal favorite (I have the rainbow floral and white), also included, and I have this and this in my cart (where I size down in the smocked dresses, I’d size up in the shift and take my usual size in the shirt dress).
I have an Anthropologie code that ends Sunday at midnight! Use GRACE20 for 20% off when you spend $100 or more on regular-priced apparel, accessories, shoes, beauty, and home. This collection has my personal favorites. Dresses galore!
Chartreuse favorites! This is one of my favorite colors, and I’ve compiled a round-up of gorgeous pieces at all price points.
27 fashionable finds, all under $200.
A la Piscine. My poolside favorites (from loungers to kaftans, swimwear, SPF, and more!)
Four fragrances I’ve been loving for the warmer months.
I finished This Book Will Bury Me, by Ashley Winstead. OMG. This is a page-turner about a group of true crime amateur detectives who find themselves at the center of a horrible massacre. I couldn’t put it down. It’s very scary, for the record. I say this because I read a lot of thrillers but don’t usually find them scary. This was!
Now I’m reading (and loving!) the new Emily Henry book, Great Big Beautiful Life. I love it! I am a little over halfway through. It’s got more of a mystery vibe with an Evelyn Hugo-esque character, which means—this may be my favorite book she’s written (but I’m more of a mystery > romance person).
On audio, I’m listening to Me But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change by Olga Khazan. This is a shorter book (just under six hours), and I find it really interesting. If you love personality tests and better understanding yourself, you’ll probably enjoy this one.
Whenever I see someone doing / living / having something I want, I say *I love that for them*. Trust fund? Job at Chanel? A birkin in every color? I love that for them! I’ve found that when you say it enough, you start believing it! Oh, and not being on Instagram / TikTok probably helps 😅
I have to agree with the sentiment of moving to Charleston “fully baked”, my younger self would have struggled here. Great article Grace