Hello there :) How was your week? I head home from New York today. We will get to trip details and outfit links and all of that stuff next week, but it has been a three-day whirlwind of back-to-back meetings and friend hangs. It is all really wonderful, but woof: I definitely foresee a troll weekend ahead. (A troll weekend is what it sounds like — I don’t leave the house, showers are optional, no makeup, comfy clothes, etc.).
I ran into a girlfriend a few weeks ago. It was the opening of another friend’s boutique. As we browsed cheerful racks of navy, chartreuse, and stripes, we caught up. We hadn’t seen each other in a while and she was so complimentary. She remarked that she loved everything I was doing, loved the reels, the newsletters, the blog posts. I did a bad thing. Instead of just saying thank you, I turned beet red and stammered “Oh no, it’s all awful!”
I then told her how I love everything she is doing. She and her husband run a brewery here in town and it is the best little spot: somewhere both men and women want to hang out, a bright and airy space with loads of natural light and simple but elegant wood furniture. I told her my boyfriend is obsessed with their beers and begs me to buy them whenever he’s in town. She laughed and said the same thing I did. That she and her husband are so critical of what they do, that they never think it’s good enough.
The conversation took a positive turn when we both agreed that being hard on ourselves probably pushes us to be better at our jobs. That as creative people, hating our work a little is natural and a good thing because if, say, we were always so pleased with ourselves, we’d probably never improve.
Still. A little (overly critical) voice in my head said, Why couldn’t you just say “thank you”?
Another example I am still cringing about over a month (!) later. I now sit on the young people’s board of our local art museum. (Being nominated was one of my personal highs of 2024.) At the new member orientation, we sat in a big circle; I had my legs folded up under me on the floor (I love sitting on the floor). We went around the room, introduced ourselves and said what we do for work.
I was selected to go first. Almost immediately, I felt the beads of perspiration rise from my skin. I rattled off a little about myself, talked about my (magnificent) cats, and then (blushing and looking down) said that I ran a blog and “had an Instagram.” Someone (well-intentioned, I promise) asked me, “But what do you do for work?” I turned a deeper red and said, “Oh, that is my job!” I might have added, “Don’t follow me though, it’s a lot of shopping stuff.” Someone else in the crowd piped up, “She’s being humble, I get all my recs from her.”
As we went around the circle, everyone else (very articulately) described their jobs and businesses, their pets, their lives outside of work. That nagging voice reappeared in my head, wanting a re-do, begging me to work on my elevator pitch. But the moment had passed. My chance to make an impression had faded.
What I wish I had said: “I started my career at Procter & Gamble and then Coty and then worked at a fashion start-up for four years. Fifteen years ago, I started a content business and ten years ago, I went full-time with that. I have a website, a popular shopping newsletter, and a successful Instagram account. I am a huge art lover and I’m thrilled to be a part of this organization.”
It’s telling that a month later, I’m still thinking about this interaction and beating myself up over it. Logically, I know it wasn’t a disaster of great magnitude. But lately, I’ve been so self-critical about absolutely everything—I’m out of shape, my style is dated, I’m a bad writer, I’m not getting enough done. Even this essay: I’m being self-critical about being self-critical.
I know when I cringe about cringing, it is a good reminder to reset. To close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, say something nice to myself, and move on.
I want to be gentler with myself. I want to quit ridiculing myself for things I wish I had done differently and instead, celebrate my victories. I want to share my accomplishments in a straightforward manner (without seeming braggadocio). But whenever the spotlight is put on me, I clam up and downplay, deflect, kind of just want to hide.
I’m sharing this because I know I am not the only one who does this. A hundred people can say something nice and one can say something mean and I zone in on the mean one. And oftentimes the loudest of the mean voices is me. It is time to flip the switch on this and shut down my biggest critic.
Here are three things I’m doing to get better at this:
Have an elevator pitch. Essentially, it’s what I wrote out above. Before any sort of event where I need to introduce myself, I’m going to practice it. Even if that means standing in the mirror and repeating it.
When someone pays me a compliment, I’ll try to look them in the eye and say “thank you!” even if I find myself gritting my teeth doing it. But hey: Maybe doing it will make me actually feel it.
I’m trying to be more satisfied with my work, even when it isn’t perfect. Perfectionism pushes me (and I want to push myself, always) but it can also be toxic.
How about you? Do you do this too? I’d love to hear any tips in the comments section.
On The Stripe (my blog!) this week.
A big guide to this season’s best jewelry trends. I am personally really into carnelian, sculptured pieces, and corded pendants! Plus two fine jewelry designers to watch.
Everything I made for a fun little end-of-summer soiree.
Fall’s best tops! The sweaters, button-downs, and breezy T-shirts we think are worth knowing about and investing in.
This Week in Reading:
I am reading The Bee Sting! The author will be in Charleston for our literary festival, so I finally prioritized it. I had been a bit intimidated as it is quite long (630 pages!), but it’s great so far. I hit the mid-way point this week, and I am excited to see how it all comes together. I will say that there is one character whose sections have no punctuation; this part is very hard to read. I read that it is to show her anxiety + lack of education, and I get that, but man, it’s hard to read/follow. I feel really anxious reading these parts.
On Audible, I am still listening to (and loving) Stolen Focus. The parts about how apps and social media are built specifically to steal our attention and get us to spend more time online… ugh, it’s horrible! I really love this book and have been telling everyone I know (especially my most online friends) to read it ASAP!
So many thoughts! I also related to this so hard. I find that sometimes the pride paralysis is most acute when I am in the midst of change. I wonder if it feels at all similar for you, given that the blog industry continues to evolve and Substack has become such a wonderful, exciting space for you to create? Leaning into the new is so invigorating, but can also mean the (self) narrative isn't established. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes it harder to articulate who we are and where we're going if we're figuring things out as we go.
I also had the thought that men never seem to suffer from this issue. Or maybe they don't talk about it? (Ask the dudes in your life and report back in a Part II, PLZ!)
Final thought. You have worked as a pioneer in an industry that has evolved in real time, all the way back to our first days on Blogger and monthly calls to figure out how to price a sidebar ad. Remember the derision from the fashion media at seeing bloggers sitting front row at shows? There's always been some voice dogging creators as they laid the foundation for a new type of media, and as much as you know it's bullshit...I imagine it's inevitable that some of it gets internalized, or at least becomes part of the "identity" of the job. Knowing it doesn't make it go away, of course, but it bears reminding that the critic we hear in our head is usually totally misguided!
I get it. I’m a stay at home mom and when people ask me what I do…I clam up. I’ve started to think of better things to say. Like I run everyone’s lives in my house or I get shit done. But then think my job is fucking hard why am I diminishing it.