A Midlife “Not-to-Do” List
Cutting these things out has made my life better
I was inspired by Erika Veurink’s list about what she’s quit since turning 30 and wanted to make my own version with how I’ve slimmed down life’s noise. Some of these are small and some of these are big and some of them I'm still working on, if I'm being honest.
But writing them down felt good, so here goes:
Saying yes when I really want to say no. I used to do this constantly. Someone would ask me to do something and I’d hear myself saying “Sure!” while every cell in my body was saying, “Ugh, nooo Grace, don’t do it!” Now I take a beat. I give myself a minute to consider that event, phone call, or favor. If my gut says no, I say no. Kindly, but clearly. The world doesn’t end, nobody gets mad, and people are way more understanding than you might expect.
Overextending myself. Saying no is one skill, but learning not to fill every single hour of every single day is another. I used to think being really busy meant you were important and relevant. Now I look at a packed week and feel dread, not pride. I need white space. A night with nothing on the calendar. Time to be a little bit bored. Maybe you relate: I find that boredom fuels creativity. I get my best ideas when I’m out for a walk, soaking in the tub, or just sitting on the couch. If I’m constantly running from thing to thing (or task to task), my creativity suffers.
Getting manicures (mostly). I love how pretty my nails look when they are done, but I hate sitting hands-free for that long. I also hate how quickly they chip. I’m mostly a bare nails girl lately.
Reading mean things about myself. I am a curious cat by nature. Imagine there’s a message board with people talking about you . . . everything from your weight to your values and what kind of person you are to your ability to do your job. It’s hard not to look at it, right? I can’t do it! Nothing good has ever come from it. It’s never made me better at my job, given me useful feedback, or done anything except ruin my afternoon and make me second-guess myself. Blinders on.
Explaining myself. This applies to both real life and the Internet. I don’t owe anyone a detailed breakdown of why I made the choice I made. My career, how I spend my money, what I eat for dinner, I could go on! “This is what works for me” is a complete sentence; I am comfortable using it.
Reading books I don’t love. Life is too short (and my TBR piles are too tall!). If I’m 50 pages in and I’m dreading picking up a book, I put it down for good. I don’t feel guilty about it. Even if everyone is saying it’s summer’s best book or five friends loved it. I still think of Fleishman Is in Trouble. Everyone kept telling me how good it was, but it was such a slog for me. It took me nearly two weeks to read and when I finished, I was mad at myself. It never got any better (for me), and I wasted all that time reading something I didn’t find enjoyable. I will never run out of books I actually want to read, so why waste my time on something I dread?
Uncomfortable shoes. I have exactly one pair of uncomfortable shoes in my wardrobe. (These, in black.) They are sexy as hell, perfect for a night out or a black-tie gala, but an inch too high, with a stiletto that is just a hair too thin. Everything else (yes, even my heels) has to be comfortable. I love dressing up and looking good, but not at the expense of my hips, my back, my feet. This is 44.
Bending over backward for someone who wouldn’t do that for me. I’m not keeping score, and I don’t think friendships should be perfectly transactional. But I’ve learned to notice the patterns. You notice the friends who show up and check in and will make the effort. You also notice who only checks in when they need something. I still give freely, but I’ve stopped pouring into people who wouldn’t pour back.
Oversharing. I am so tired of feeling pressure to share my personal life. You’ll get glimmers here and there, personal essays . . . but my life outside of this job? That’s for me. I used to feel like I had to give people everything in order to be relatable or “authentic” or whatever word we’re using. You can still be honest and open, but keep some things private.
Attending brand lunches. These may be specific to the Charleston influencer scene (it was way less of a thing when I lived in New York?), but brand lunches are so disruptive to my workday. By the time I’ve gotten ready, gotten there, and gotten home, I’ve lost at least three hours. If the brand wants to pay me, then it counts as work and that’s a different conversation. But a free salad and a dress I probably won’t wear again? I can’t justify the time commitment. I’d rather spend those three hours writing or shooting or, honestly, doing nothing.
Feeling bad for wearing something expensive. I work hard, I’m in my 40s, I don’t have children. I’ve built something I’m proud of, and I earn a good living doing it. I used to hide certain items, like watches or fine jewelry, wearing them in real life but not on my blog or social media, in fear of being perceived as out of touch or extravagant. Now, I wear my special splurgy things with pride. I’ll always be a high-low girlie, but I am done apologizing for loving beautiful, well-made things. You don’t have to justify the things you spend your own money on.
Performative goodness. I give back, I volunteer, I do good. I believe my politics to be on the right side of history. If I can do something that actively sparks action (like sharing who I am voting for, a petition, or instructions for calling your elected officials), I’ll bend over backward to do it and share it. The rest feels performative. I don’t need to convince people, mostly strangers, that I am “good.” I get the idea that as a follower, you want to ensure you’re shopping links from someone whose values align with your own. I feel the same way! But the pressure to publicly document every act of kindness and share every single cause is exhausting, and honestly, it cheapens the whole thing. I’d rather just do these things quietly, in private.
Feeling guilty about having help. I have a housekeeper who comes once a week. I have a gardener who cares for my outdoor plants. I have a part-time helper who opens the crazy amount of packages I receive for work and steams my clothing so that it’s ready to shoot. This is far more help than my parents ever had, and a big part of me felt really guilty about it, like it made me spoiled or lazy. Outsourcing those things means more time to shoot, write, manage my business, get things done! (And to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, friend.)
Judging. One thing I’ve learned in 44 years is that no one’s life is easy. You never have any idea what someone might be going through. I lead with empathy and curiosity and avoid judging other people. In freeing myself from judging others, I find I’m a little less harsh on myself in the process.
What’s on your list? I’d love to hear it!
Right now, I am thinking about pretty prairie tops. The sort of lace and eyelet blouses you can wear on a hot day with shorts, skirts, or cut-offs. This lacy Dôen top is on my wish list, but a few more that I am loving are this swingy broderie anglaise top, this easy tank from Frame, and this beautiful lace top from Sea, which feels positively Victorian (that’s a good thing!). For extra credit, pair these lacy tops with something more sporty or masculine, like track shorts or a structured pair of trousers—the best sort of wardrobe juxtaposition.
And for something really breezy on hot, hot days, I love this tank from The Gap. I’m imagining it with my fave Madewell shorts and a jelly flip flop.
PS - Even more on this shelf!
How to style last week’s best-sellers! Three fun outfit ideas.
The Wednesday Ten: 10 things you should know about this week!
What’s on my wish list right now.
June Baby, by Shannon Garvey. This one was a like, not a love. But still very enjoyable, especially as a beach read. My two qualms were a) messy younger woman (I struggle with this type of main character) and b) the two love interests seemed rather one-dimensional. Otherwise, it was great. Ruth grew up spending summers on Block Island. When her beloved friend/mentor Dianna passes away, she returns for her funeral. In returning, she’ll also reunite with Charlie, Dianna’s nephew and the man she’s loved since they were kids. Dianna has left her a box of her possessions, revealing a shocking secret. And Charlie has his own explosive secret. My favorite part was the setting, I felt like I was right there on Block Island. Order on Bookshop.org
This Story Might Save Your Life, by Tiffany Crumb. Part love story, part mystery, this one was fun and fast-paced. Benny and Joy are best friends who host a podcast — a comedy podcast about against all odds survival stories. What started as a hobby has turned into a lucrative business; they’re about to sign a major deal! But when Benny arrives at Joy and her husband Xander’s home to record, he finds the house broken into, with both Joy and Xander missing. He knows something is wrong and is determined to find Joy (and Xander), but all he has to help him is a half-finished manuscript of Joy’s memoirs. I really liked the plot and pacing of this one. It is to me, the perfect mix of romcom and thriller. Order on Bookshop.org
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On the expensive clothes- I feel this one. I used to do the same about hotels, wouldn’t post the places we were at for fear of judgment that the hotels were too expensive. But guess what? I love spending money on hotels and find it worth it. I am a hotel junkie and am leaning into it.
THIS LIST. I am looking out at the skyline trying to figure out where you are “out there” because I just wanna shout yayyyyy in your direction