A Little Trick to Be More Confident
Or be more anything, really!
Last month, I listened to Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change, by Olga Khazan. Overall, I netted out medium about the book. I love a personality test. Anything to understand myself (and my loved ones) a little bit better is a win for me. But a lot of it wasn’t new information, and the author’s personal stories weren’t always relatable or relevant to me.
Still, it made me think, and more importantly, it inspired hope. A lot of evidence suggests that our personalities are pretty baked by the time we hit our forties, which feels depressing to me. I’ve always kind of disagreed with that. I genuinely believe that people can change. I love self-improvement! It sounds a bit trite but I agree with the William S. Burroughs quote, “When you stop growing, you start dying.” I don’t want to believe that my personality is set in stone. Becoming the best version of myself is always top priority. This book suggests it’s possible.
One takeaway was a little trick: Fake it. Just a little. When I am in a challenging situation, I think of a friend (or even a public figure or celebrity) I want to channel. One silly example is when I am holding a plank at the gym. I always want to stop. My natural personality is built for comfort. She says, “You can stay at this running speed, you are comfortable here.” Or, “You don’t have to hold that plank for a whole minute!” The voice in my head tells me it’s not a big deal to take a break, to stay in my comfort zone.
What I have been doing lately is pretending I am my trainer’s very fit girlfriend. Let’s just call her Jessica. I’ve been working out with my trainer for just about six months now. When you spend a full hour together, twice a week, you become friends. Sometimes, Jessica drops by to work out with us. Jessica is 24, teaches Pilates, and regularly hangs out at the gym (looking super hot in some sort of matching athleisure set), just . . .you know, casually doing plank pass-throughs or deadlifting one million pounds.
I really do not care for planks, much less plank pass-throughs. A plank pass-through, for the record, is when you hold a plank for 60 seconds while heaving a 17.5-pound dumbbell from side to side. The challenge is to keep your core perfectly tight while doing this, your hips perfectly level. They are hard. I hated them immediately.
I hated them until one day, Jessica dropped it into conversation that she has started doing plank pass-throughs every day and can’t believe how much better her abs look. So guess who now does plank pass-throughs every day? Yes, me. I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip-flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops. By channeling Jessica’s positive attitude about working out (and envisioning myself as strong as her), I’ve actually gotten so much stronger. I tune out the comfy, lazy voice and try on a new personality, just for a bit. A new personality that enjoys pushing myself as hard as I can go. That wants to do an extra set. This is easy! I like these. Just a minute? Totally doable. The mind/body connection is wild because, in doing this, plank pass-throughs have become something I actually (sort of) look forward to.
On a deeper level, I also use this trick when I am in a social situation that makes me uncomfortable. I have done this for years, invoking extraversion to better enjoy events, but I didn’t really realize that’s what I was doing until I read this book. I’ll caveat: Faking extraversion is a short-term, temporary tactic. I can go out three or four nights in a row, make small talk (my least favorite thing in the world) like a champ, and be the best little fake extrovert you ever saw. But by night three I am miserable. Cranky, exhausted, feeling totally depleted (and probably cancelling plans to hole up and be alone with a book). I may not naturally be an extrovert, but it can be helpful to challenge my instincts sometimes. Apparently just acting extroverted can hone your skills to actually become more extroverted.
I have to go to a lot of events and things for work that I’d honestly rather skip. If it is something I truly cannot miss, I will do the following.
Put on a good outfit (always!)
Think of one of my most confident friends and summon her personality.
Introverts and extroverts attract (my boyfriend and several best friends are all very extroverted), so I have lots of personalities to pull from. If I am attending an influencer event, I think about my friend Alex, who could make charming, interesting small talk with a cardboard statue. If I am hosting a party, I think about my friend Molly, super confident, standing tall, making introductions with ease. If I am at a dinner with strangers, I think about my boyfriend, who is that person you want to be seated next to: telling interesting stories, asking thoughtful questions. You get the point.
It’s sort of like stepping into a character. Sometimes it’s a long-term thing. I have started to genuinely enjoy core work and look forward to my workouts. Faking it has led to (somewhat) actually making it. Other times, it’s more short-term. I can easily be a faux extrovert or a charming host for a few hours but then I will need to sit in silence with no more than three people. Either way, it’s worked for me!
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I read The First Gentleman by Bill Clinton and James Patterson in a few days—it’s delightful! A quick read, with an engaging plot. I did guess the twist, but I found it super enjoyable to read. There’s a woman president in office and her husband Cole Wright is on trial for murder. Did the former Patriots star murder a cheerleader? It’s the perfect beach read, in my opinion. And as a former New Englander, I loved the setting. (Order on Bookshop.org or Amazon.com)
After that, it was onto James Frey’s latest, Next to Heaven. FYI, I missed (or forgot? It was 20 years ago!) the controversy over his last book (more on that here). I found out after I’d been sucked in. If it is written by AI, it’s written by very good AI as the writing feels creative and unique. I will share final thoughts on this next week.
Love this and the Molly reference
I liked this article a lot. I will need to read it again to digest all the tidbits. It was full of great advice and instruction! Thank you once again for your wisdom.