I have been thinking a lot about mean girl behavior - in particular, a newer type of mean girl (or mean boy), really.
Once upon a time “mean girl” was just the bitchy girl. The whole “you can’t sit with us, Regina George” sort of vibe. Easy to spot. I feared her well in high school and then again at various jobs and parties in New York. The Reginas of the world have now been mostly cancelled, giving way to a new type of meanie. Rudeness and bitchiness have been replaced with “concern,” outrage, self-righteousness.
The one universal thing about these different types of meanies is that they all somehow involve belittling someone or something to feel better about / elevate the self. Life is hard enough. Can we just.. not?
There’s the brand (this could easily be a person too) who plays up how special and unique their pieces are, while tearing down a thing a lot of people love like a Cartier Love Bracelet (more on that in
‘s chat “Style Without Judgment”, I do not know who the offending brand was but I pray it wasn’t one that I support.There’s the person on the snark site who tears down the influencer for being so vapid and superficial (but um, you’re on a snark site so pot, meet kettle). I realize I’m an influencer myself so of course I’m sensitive to these things but really? Are we still doing this? Influencers are the easiest punchline or punching bag. At this point, making fun of influencers is boring. Sidebar: the socially conscious mean girl by
is a fantastic piece about influencer snark. Imagine if the snarkers could organize and channel their energy elsewhere: they would change the world! I truly believe it.There is the woman in a Facebook group, disguising her condescending lecture as “advice.” The lectures in my own Facebook group make my head spin sometimes… I don’t know what to do about it. There are already so many group rules, do I really need to add one saying “don’t be condescending; don’t lecture each other?”
There’s the gallerist who looks down on the person who calls a painting “beautiful,” because something “beautiful” is clearly just decor and not “real” art. I’m about halfway through listening to Get the Picture and it’s an excellent reminder of art world snobbishness.
And the moms. Good god, the poor moms! I feel for those of you who are moms. Influencer moms and non-influencer moms. All the moms, every mom. The moms get so much judgment. Even if they do everything “right,” some one will have an opinion and need to express their disapproval. And over the littlest things (travel stuff, food stuff!) or the more personal stuff (like the choice to have just one child and/or other things that are absolutely no one’s business). The moms are busy enough; can we just leave them alone and let them live? I hear stories about what people say to each other or about each other (I’m not even talking about influencer stuff, just regular old, offline moms) from my mom friends and my jaw just drops.
A few thoughts.
I see stuff that bothers me/I disagree with/I blatantly don’t like all the time. But am I going to comment on it and risk ruining someone else’s day? Absolutely not.
Taste is truly personal. It’s 100% subjective. Not everyone is going to agree on what is “good;” who am I (or anyone else) to say that something is “bad” taste.
Along the lines of taste, it’s fine to have things you don’t really love. But that doesn’t mean you have to broadcast it. Let’s broadcast the things we love instead?
I’d rather be considered tacky, cringe, cheugy, or basic than elitist, snobby, judgmental, or mean.
The reason things are considered “basic” or overdone is that those things are in some way, intrinsically good. Starbucks lattes are delicious, Ugg boots are comfy, Cartier Love bracelets are loved by a lot of people. (I still love mine for the record!)
You don’t have to agree with everyone, but you can keep your mouth shut or save things for your group text. This isn’t the New York subway; if you see something… you don’t have to say something. Truly.
Putting someone on blast, calling someone out, snarking on someone? It doesn’t make you better. It makes you worse.
I’m working every day to be less judgmental. Am I an angel? Certainly not. I am the first to admit, I reached peak judginess during the pandemic. And when I was younger? Gosh, I could be so self-righteous! But the first step is acknowledging it. If a judgy thought pops into my head I think about why I’m having that thought. I acknowledge the thought, and send it on its way.
Like I said, I am far from perfect. I have judgy thoughts, I say catty things to my boyfriend or best friends. But these are private conversations. This isn’t about being 100% pure of heart and pious - it’s about filtering yourself, being kind to others, thinking before you speak, assessing your tone, and not adding more negativity to a world that already has plenty of it.
It’s nice to be nice. That’s all. <3
PS - this is a rant, it’s not directed at any one of you… just things I notice and wanted to talk about.
On The Stripe (my blog!) this week.
We started the week with a big roundup of my Shopbop Sale picks.
Carly pulled together one of the coolest Amazon home edits I’ve seen. She absolutely crushed it with this column. The response was so positive that we are going to make it a monthly thing.
A BIG edit of wedding guest dresses. This is probably the number one question I’ve been getting, so Carly and I both spent a lot of time sourcing great options at a range of price points. There is an entire section dedicated to dresses under $250.
Don’t forget about the Sephora savings event! My big guide with all of my personal favorites is here. It ends Monday.
This Week in Reading:
I finished The Other Valley, by Scott Alexander Howard. This is a weird little book but a good one. I mentioned last week that it was a bit slow. I finally had a big chunk of time to read and am so glad I stuck with it as it’s one of the most unique and special books I’ve ever read. The ending was so great!
I am now finally reading
‘s latest - The Sicilian Inheritance. I’ve only just started it but I can tell I’m going to really like this.I am still listening to (and loving) Get the Picture, by Bianca Bosker. This is a fascinating read and a good one for anyone who wants to learn more about the art world and/or develop their eye.
I think age has a lot to do with this “meanness”. Youth provides a looking glass and a means of measure, acceptance. What you are describing is growing. Growing and becoming a better person. Knowing the weight of your actions and words. As an old person who enjoys what you do, I can say, as we age, friendships become more valuable so we tend to keep people around who are kind and silly, fun and irreverent. Mean? Life is too short. And to clarify? There is an inherent difference between mean and angry. Mean is for sport. Angry can change the world.
I’ve learned that when people are judgmental about some aspect of your life, it’s often because they perceive your action or choice (in my case not having children) as an invalidation or judgement of a choice they have made. So it really comes from a place of personal insecurity.
I will say, I was raised to always be polite and keep my opinions to myself and I think raising women that way is also a way of silencing them. In this day and age, some of the population have dangerous opinions and post view points that are threatening to women’s bodily autonomy and freedoms and in those cases I’m all for speaking up and disagreeing with an opinion whether it be online or in person. Some have taken this too far though and think they are entitled to commentary on the every action and opinion of others and the kindness aspect is totally lost. *Sigh*