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Today is my 43rd birthday. The fun, freeing thing about growing older is discovering how much you don’t yet know. I remember being in my 20s and thinking I knew everything—I had a plan, I had it all figured out. That’s a factor of youth. But life is so much more exciting when you are able to turn yourself over to the universe and realize how little you know, how much more there is to learn.
It feels like the second I think I have something figured out, everything changes. This keeps you on your toes and keeps you young, right? But I have learned a few things. Today I thought I would share 43 lessons (big and small) from my 43 years.
Fewer, better. This applies to everything in life. I’d rather have fewer, better friendships…fewer, better possessions…fewer, better plans…take fewer, better trips…etc.
You’re allowed to decline plans, even if your calendar is wide open. For years, I struggled with this. It felt rude to say no. The end result was a schedule that felt packed with plans and me feeling overwhelmed or resentful. These days, I frequently say no. Saying no means saying yes to other things, even if that is just a night with myself or being able to make spontaneous plans later.
The little things are actually the big things. There are so few big, giant moments in life. Get excited about the little stuff: clean sheets, a really good laugh with a friend, that first cool day in the fall where it isn’t warm but it isn’t cold.
I firmly believe that the three keys to a happy life are getting enough sunlight, moving your body, and getting a solid eight hours of sleep.
Life is too short to read books you don’t enjoy reading. DNF, liberally. (This goes for television as well).
I love a girls’ girl. I remember years ago if I heard a woman say, “Oh, I’ve just always gotten along better with men,” it sounded really chic and cool. Now it feels very pick-me/a huge red flag.
Be a cheerleader. When you are proud of your people, tell them. Tell everyone! We all have imposter syndrome: Lift your people up.
Checking off boxes rarely goes well. Don’t do something because you “should,” or because everyone else is doing it. Do the thing because you want to, even if that means upsetting others or leading a less conventional life. You’ll be happier in the long run.
Being a beginner at something is the absolute best and IMO, one of the keys to staying young. Sure, trying something new is intimidating, but it works your brain in a way that doing the same thing again and again doesn’t. This year I learned mahjong and needlepoint. Both stretched my mind in a very good way.
Use the good stuff. I use my Repoussé family silver for everyday. I burn the Diptyque candles. I eat frozen pizza off of the Limoges china my mom handed down to me. I wear my nice jewelry whenever I want, even just a WFH day when I’m not seeing people.
The thrill of buying something new is often the best part. Recognize this when you have a shopping itch. Ask yourself: Am I buying something because I need it/really love it, or am I here for the little rush?
It is better to be overdressed than underdressed.
If someone makes a choice you don’t like and it doesn’t affect you (like say, making a business decision you wouldn’t make, or deciding to go vegan), it’s usually not worth getting upset over (or even thinking about, TBH). To quote my favorite needlepoint pillow, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Be ruthless about what you consume online. Where are you putting your thoughts and energy? Like the Lao Tzu quote states, “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
Treat your body like a friend, not a foe. Listen to it. Be kind to it. Nourish it.
Making an effort is always cool.
Learn about money and put it to work. No one is going to do this for you. I remember talking to investment guru Sallie Krawcheck about this when I co-hosted Bad on Paper. Women investors have a better track record than men but men often are in full control of the money. Why? Do your own research and take matters into your own hands.
Know who to listen to and who to tune out. It would be careless to say, “Tune out the critics,” as some criticism is a gift. Believe in yourself and know who to listen to. Everything else is just noise.
Make sure you’re eating enough protein.
You can wish someone well and genuinely want to see them thriving and happy, but simultaneously not want them in your life.
Female-centered stuff (romance novels, fashion blogs, magazines) is important and should be celebrated. I’ve grown to really hate the term, “guilty pleasure.” You’d never hear a man call his fantasy football league his guilty pleasure. Can you even imagine screaming at the television watching a bunch of silly men running around in shiny tights and then mocking a romance novel or fashion magazine? Mmmkay.
Skincare is mostly preventative. No serum or cream is going to turn back time (you need needles or more invasive treatments for that). It will, however, slow down the future aging process.
There will always be someone prettier, smarter, or richer than you. This is freeing! Compete with yourself, not with others.
On that note of competition, there’s room for everyone. There is so much truth in the saying, “A rising tide lifts all boats.”
You will not be for everyone and that is perfectly okay.
There is no better feeling than being truly known—and still loved.
Another favorite line: “Never beg for a seat when you can build your own table.”
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a house you really love. My home is the only purchase I’ve made that has brought me true contentment.
Comfortable shoes only. Life is too short for pinched toes, blisters, or constantly scanning the room for a place to sit down.
Social media will always be a highlight reel; the important thing is how things feel vs. how they look.
Never stop pushing yourself and never stop learning. The smartest people I know are perpetual students. How sad would it be to think you have nothing left to learn?!
Make friends of every age. I aspire to have friends who are much younger than me and much older than me. I’ve learned so much from both groups.
If you work hard and are kind, it will be hard to fail.
You can sneak out of a party if the gathering is on the larger side. Sometimes goodbyes are awkward. No one ever remembers the next day if you just happened to slip out.
Something I’ve picked up from living in the South: Keep a gifts drawer (or shelf!) and always bring a little hostess gift.
Handwritten thank-you cards are the best, not only for a gift but also following a party or a special get-together. They’re a nice way to remember the gathering and will make your host or hostess smile. If it was extra special, send flowers! I have had a few friends send flowers after a party and think that is so elegant.
Realizing you don’t have everything figured out is actually progress toward figuring things out. But even the most “together” people we know feel like they don’t have it all figured out.
It’s fun to try out new styles but don’t spend too much money on trendy clothing. The wisest investments are bags, shoes, coats, and jewelry.
Choose yourself. Always choose yourself. Be your own safety net. This may seem cynical, but at the end of the day, the only person you can truly count on is yourself.
Rest isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity.
There is nothing better than a bath and a book. This combination is the greatest when I need to reset. On that note, find those things that help you reset. Knowing that I will feel brand-new after 20 minutes in the tub with a book and a big glass of lemon water is really reassuring.
Take a deep breath. And then another. Do you feel better now? This fixes a lot of things.
You are not old. Please stop saying you are old. In 10 years you’ll look back and laugh at how silly you sounded. Case in point, this essay that I wrote on my 31st birthday, when I thought myself to be positively geriatric. Now, I aspire to be 80 and calling myself young.
Teaming up with Ami Cole, an amazing Black-owned beauty brand is a massive honor. I have been a longtime fan; their mascara is one of my holy grail favorites. It’s one of the best mascaras I’ve tried. I love that it is buildable, so I can go natural or dramatic. It has good-for-you ingredients like shea butter (to soften and condition) and jojoba oil (to strengthen and help prevent lash fallout). I also love their blush + lip multi-stick (my shade is Hibiscus) and their lip treatment oil, which is super hydrating (I’m wearing “Romance” above!) but never sticky. Use GRACE20 for 20% off at Ami Cole!
*sponsored mention
We started out the week with a massive denim edit. Carly and I each share our tried, true, and tested favorite jeans! It’s fun to see our different styles, I love that Carly has been shopping in the men’s section!
We also had an edit of really beautiful pale pink pieces. I love this color, especially for a ballet flat or a cashmere sweater.
Last but not least, everything I bought and loved from Amazon last month.
I finished reading Here One Moment by Liane Moriarty and didn’t love it. I just felt underwhelmed, and at 500 pages, it didn’t feel worth it. The concept is interesting (a woman predicts the deaths of passengers on a plane; we see what happens afterward), but it didn’t do it for me. I used to be such a fan of Moriarty’s books, but her last few have left me only medium.
I am now reading Madwoman, by Chelsea Bieker. This is good so far, but there is a massive trigger for domestic violence. It is about a woman who escaped a dark past and has gone to extremes to keep her old life a secret. Now, she has a wonderful husband and two children, but everything comes to a halt when she receives a letter from a women’s prison in California.
On audible, I finished Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention and How to Think Deeply Again, by Johann Hari. This was excellent. An A+. I have been telling everyone in my life (especially parents and anyone who is very online for their jobs) to drop what they are doing and listen immediately. It will change the way you think about social media, multi-tasking, and the way we approach our day (more, more, more!).
Happy Birthday
Every time I read the advice to just say “no” to someone if they ask me to go out, I only picture myself being the one to say “no.” But people will also be saying “no,” to me too. As in, “you’re not someone I want to spend time with.” It’s definitely a little hurtful, but I don’t want someone to spend time with me if they don’t want to. Goes both ways.